


keeping secrets safe

by sunstainedsheets (less_than_improbable)



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: Actors, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, but it's one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22855618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/less_than_improbable/pseuds/sunstainedsheets
Summary: This will be the last time Wang Yibo gives his heart to Xiao Zhan.
Relationships: Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan
Comments: 68
Kudos: 262





	1. i can't make you love me

**Author's Note:**

> I'M BACK TO HURT US ALL! Just kidding.
> 
> I heavily dedicate this work to @dugyut_ from Twitter. She came to me with the prompt and has been helping me write it until now. She makes me pour out my heart into this fic and I really, really love her for that uwu. She also gave me a playlist to help with writing. This is her playlist: [bjyx](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2ffqc1Hxg7Bi9xEAErAx6h?si=2wPwo_HCT1-1vm5okv8pkA)
> 
> Shoutout to fireflavoredwhiskey as well for providing me with her playlists and songs to help capture the emotion I wanted to imbibe in order to write. These are her two playlists that she recommended: [You look like a movie; you sound like a song](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0vyRnoSkPWW4SaOCHJFp0d?si=vMtd0stoTi-AvKxEYKYenw) and [ for sunny ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5Hkc4GIWphQym23Y6OOt9W?si=uzIFYIn4QLuylCq1YMSkbw)
> 
> And, here's my personal playlist for the fic: [ . It isn't organized yet because I have been listening and adding to different playlists just to get the feeling of what I wanted to write. However, I think Wang Yibo's theme song is ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6LSZfJUB5ZeONO3yQZgQ9x?si=TT4PmeNdQqKZt1PDuVC6mg)[ this song ](https://open.spotify.com/track/69uJi5QsBtqlYkGURTBli8?si=x-45JuZSQxO3stfuM_cp0A), and Xiao Zhan's is [ this song ](https://open.spotify.com/track/4KmkG7fVe8bNBUpCbKCdJQ?si=mZ8u0G0iRe-zSrkApstTjg). 
> 
> Note that these playlists may or may not have Filipino (OPM) songs, so you might not be able to understand them! 
> 
> I have just been so inspired by this fic that I've written more than my standard uwu so I hope you love this fic as much as I have loved writing it!

Yibo gazes at the man beside him, and just revels at the sight of him. What he wears is an assembly of white and black, simple yet each fiber speaks of the luxury brand who sponsored him. His eyes are shining, even more so with the spotlights pointed at them. His expression speaks volumes of what he feels, but he breathes and takes it in once again, determined to bottle up whatever he felt inside. His smiles are small, and he refuses to look at Yibo. Yet, Yibo knows. He knows that the taller is almost at the verge of breaking. This beautiful man beside him, the subject of his numerous dreams of love and lust, the man who owned his heart, was going to fall apart.

At the sight of this gorgeously tragic man, Wang Yibo promises.He promises that it will be right here, on this stage, with thousands of people watching them end this year-long summer. It will be right here, beside the man himself, with tears barely held back in their eyes. Wang Yibo promises that it will be the last time he had the chance to gaze at those bright eyes, probably feigning something deeper that he dared not name.

After today, Wang Yibo promises to keep his weeping heart locked inside his chest and hide it from the world. He will take it back, and let it heal. He is not sure how much time it would take, but if it means preserving whatever they had and forgetting that it had ever been real, Yibo would wait. He would wait until it didn't hurt anymore. He would wait until even at the sound of his voice, he would not waver. He would wait until he doesn’t feel anything anymore, until the pain in his heart fades away when Xiao Zhan disappears from his life. He would wait until the reality of Xiao Zhan’s feelings wouldn’t make him feel like throwing up anymore. He would wait until he is able to greet and hold his Zhan ge at a professional distance, like acquaintances who were forced to interact with each other. He would wait until he could finally let go of all the feelings that Xiao Zhan had let him feel — love, adoration, resentment, lust, desperation, frustration, defeat — and let the memory of loving him be merely a memory he could keep at the back of his mind.

Today, he will live the dream. He will pretend like he never knew the truth beneath the lies his Zhan ge had said.

He will dream like he is truly loved by the man beside him.

* * *

Once upon a time, Wang Yibo was convinced that Xiao Zhan felt the same way. 

Although their first few interactions in The Untamed setting were slightly forced, they genuinely enjoyed each other's company. It took awhile for him to open up, but Xiao Zhan kept on climbing over the walls that he built around himself from his years of being in the entertainment industry. In his presence, Yibo was free to be just Yibo, and not the idol that everyone had looked up to. He wasn’t the Wang Yibo that everyone expected to act tough in front of the cameras. He was just a 22-year-old boy who had to grow up too fast, too soon due to the fast-paced life he was thrusted into. In Xiao Zhan’s eyes, he was just Wang Yibo, the boy who loved riding motorcycles, doing tricks on his skateboard, and playing around with his friends. That may be the reason why he feels especially playful when he was with Xiao Zhan. He feels like a kid having fun whenever he is around him. They play around, show each other funny videos, send photos, and video call each other even at odd times at night.

Wang Yibo knew he was falling in love the moment he noticed he had opened his heart to the elder.

The moment he realized he loved Xiao Zhan felt anti-climatic. It wasn’t like how it was in the movies, where confessions would lead to feelings akin to exploding fireworks. It might be because Yibo had expected it. How can you not love Xiao Zhan, who would bring him coffee on set everyday, call him when he feels lonely in another shooting site, and send him snacks to his location no matter where he was to make sure he was eating. He knew he was falling anyway, and it would only take him some time to really fall and get invested. 

They were on top of a hill that night, well hidden in the depths of the city. Beijing was always busy, but small gems like these were hard to find. And, Yibo was happy to share his discovery with his gege, who was looking for an escape from work but could not get out of the city.

"Beijing looks different from up here, doesn't it, Zhan ge?" He whispered, taking in the scenery he had grown to love.

Xiao Zhan sighed fondly. "This is the only time I'm thankful for those tall buildings. They look like stars." He stepped closer to Yibo, shivering slightly. Yibo noticed the other's hunched position and small shivers. He removed half of the coat he was wearing, and pulled Xiao Zhan towards him. The taller was taken aback, but soon realized what Yibo was doing. Before Xiao Zhan could counter him, he wrapped the coat around his shoulders. To an outsider, they might look ridiculous. Two men huddled inside one small coat on top of a hill on a cold November night didn't look like a sight anyone would ever want to see. But, Yibo was fine with that. He didn't need anyone to see them. He wanted this little bubble of warmth he felt surrounding them to last.

"Aiyo, Yibo, you're such a textbook hottie." Xiao Zhan clicked his tongue and shook his head. He giggled as he looked at the younger. There was something about his eyes then that made Yibo realize he wanted to keep them in his life. Was it the mirth it glowed with? Was it the warmth it directed at him? Was it the undivided attention he had unconsciously longed for?

Was it because those eyes were telling him there was something more that it wanted to say?

Before the elder could realize that YIbo was staring at him for a long time, he shot him his signature gremlin grin. "So, Zhan ge thinks I'm hot?"

Xiao Zhan chuckled and jabbed at his ribs lightly. "Now, you're just fishing for compliments." The moment wasn't awkward. Xiao Zhan did not move away from him. He even leaned in towards the younger's direction. It felt natural to be this close to Xiao Zhan, and the reason why slowly dawned on him.

Seeing Xiao Zhan in the meager light that the lamp post blessed him with, and with merely inches in between them, Yibo finally realized why being with the elder was the easiest thing he had ever done in his life.

It was because he loved the man.

The realization sent him into a slight panic. It wasn't because he hadn't come into terms with falling in love with a man, but because this person he loved was currently so close to him, and he feared he would lose him any moment now.

But, Xiao Zhan had turned his head and gave him the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. "Yibo, thank you." He whispered to the younger, making it sound like a secret that only the two of them knew. At that moment, Yibo knew he was done for.

He was bound to love this man for a long time.

Falling more and more in love with Xiao Zhan was the most natural thing for Yibo. He savored each minute he had with the older man. Even just practicing with each other for their scenes in Chen Qing Ling was enough to make Yibo's day. When Xiao Zhan agreed to visit him in his apartment, or when he went to Xiao Zhan's, Wang Yibo had to physically restrain himself from bursting. Being in a closed space with someone as beautiful and adorable as Xiao Zhan was enough to make him combust on the spot. Xiao Zhan liked leaning his head on Yibo's shoulder, his breath tickling the younger's neck, and encircling Yibo's waist with his arms. They stay like that for a while, before Xiao Zhan enthusiastically invites Yibo to a Mario Kart competition. Yibo always crushed the elder in games, but every so often, he would lose on purpose at times just to see the look of genuine glee and delight on the lanky man's face.

When Xiao Zhan crashed from the exhaustion from filming, Yibo was there to catch him. He would force the elder to sleep on his lap in the dressing rooms and glare at anyone who would try to wake him up. His legs would end up stiff most of the time, but if it meant having a somewhat rested Xiao Zhan, then he would take stiffness any day. When Yibo forgot to eat, Xiao Zhan would always be there, forcing him to snack or taking him out on a break from the set and stuffing him with hotpot. The elder made sure that the younger was taking care of himself even through text messages when they were away from each other.

Yibo's things eventually made their way towards Xiao Zhan's apartment, since they were almost always crashing at his apartment. It wasn't surprising to see two toothbrushes in his bathroom anymore. At some point, one of Yibo's helmets found their place beside Xiao Zhan's paintings mounted on the wall. Xiao Zhan was more touchy with Yibo now, placing his hands on the younger's waist at times and even putting his chin on the younger's shoulder when they were waiting in between scenes. The elder always offered his touch to the younger freely, and YIbo lapped up every moment their skin touched.

It took much self control to not just pin Xiao Zhan to a wall and start kissing him. Yibo really wanted to claim those plump lips as his. He wanted to run his hands over those mounds that he knew the elder had worked hard to get. He would worship every inch of Xiao Zhan's body, if he were ever to get the chance. He would mark his skin so that the elder could show the world how much he was loved. How can Yibo calm down when the hottest man he ever knew was always an inch away from him?

He was supposed to tell him. Yibo had prepared an entire speech, and even a bouquet of flowers that were inconspicuously the most expensive set of flowers he could ever get his hands on. He was going to sneak it into Xiao Zhan's dressing room when he had heard voices inside the room. He pressed his ear to the door.

"You have to pretend to like him some more. Make the audience believe that both of you are real and legit. You have to make Chen Qing Ling a success so that the company can give you your studio." A high voice said, commanding and stern. 

Yibo's heart fell when he heard a very familiar voice utter the following words. "I know. I'm trying my best to pretend to like him. We already look like a couple, don't we?" The younger unconsciously dropped the flowers he was holding. 

“You do. But, you have to try harder.” The other voice answered. 

Hearing those words felt like Yibo had been dumped in ice cold water. Yibo had never fled a scene so quickly. He excused himself from the staff, saying he was suffering from a stomach ache, and locked himself inside his own dressing room. His manager knocked on his door to make sure he was alright, but he sent him away with petty assurances. Yibo buried his face in his hands for a long time, mulling the words he had heard from the one person he had never expected it from again and again in his mind. 

Was it true? Was Xiao Zhan really just getting closer to him to bring up Chen Qing Ling’s views?

But, Yibo couldn’t deny the fact that it was Xiao Zhan’s voice he heard in that dressing room. He couldn’t deny that each timbre of that sound was one he could recognize even from a mile away.

No, that couldn’t be right. Xiao Zhan was kind and gentle. He would never do that to Yibo.

He wouldn’t, would he?

  
  


_What if he could?_

  
  


Then, was everything a ruse? 

Was every word he said, every touch that lingered, every gift left behind, and every time spent with Yibo just a pretense? A charade? A mere means to achieve an _end_?

It _hurt_ . Thinking about everything being _fake_ hurt. Xiao Zhan had lodged himself so deep into Yibo’s life, even into the corners he would never notice, that taking him out would leave Yibo with nothing but pieces that he did not know how to build once again. When Yibo was ambushed by his fans and every vile comment was hurled to his direction, Xiao Zhan was there to catch him and hide him from the world. When he was lonely on set with his new castmates, the elder would never fail to send him a meme and a “jiayou!” When he craved warmth but was unsure how to say it, the lanky man would take him into his dressing room and just wrap him in his arms. When he was tired of working in an industry with no stability to speak of, the actor would listen and understand him fully. Was everything he did for Yibo just an _act_?

A mixture of emotions flooded Yibo, making him grip at his hair tightly. Damn. This man deserved a fucking Oscar.

He was infuriated. How could his Zhan ge do that to him? How could he, when all Wang Yibo has done was entrust his most vulnerable possession to the man? How could he betray the trust Wang Yibo had given him? How could he hurt him? How could he use him?

But, the reality still stood. Xiao Zhan never owed him anything. They weren’t lovers. It was Yibo’s choice to give his heart to the elder, and that gave Xiao Zhan free reign over what happens to his heart.

_Stupid_.

Wang Yibo was _stupid_. How could he give his heart to someone he never expected to break sooner or later? How could he fall so head over heels for Xiao Zhan, who never really wanted to take responsibility for Yibo’s feelings?

Most of all, how could he fall in love with someone who so clearly would use his heart?

He thought he had finally found someone who he was willing to throw everything for. He thought he had finally found that person whom all these lovesick fools around him described. Yibo was ready to leave it all behind just for him. He was ready to settle down with him, to create a life with him away from all the camera flashes and pretentious sharks he knew so well. He was ready to _marry_ him, goddamn it. 

But, how could he blame him? How could he blame the love of his life for simply wanting to stay afloat in this industry? Being in it for years has trained him to always look behind the curtains because that was where the truth hid. He knew there were tactics like this to raise the views. He did as well, and it was nothing to be ashamed of.

If Yibo knew how entertainment worked _so well_ , how could he fall prey to a classic elementary scheme?

Fuck. Yibo was so tired of everything. But, he refused to cry. 

So, Yibo threw himself into his work. He avoided Xiao Zhan at all costs. Luckily, he had a few days that did not involve filming Chen Qing Ling. He made sure not to visit Xiao Zhan’s apartment at all, even if that meant buying new necessities. He refused to sleep, fearing that they would be filled with every rendition of the scene he had heard his mind could think of. He did not sit down to rest because he would just hear once again the words he wanted to forget. Xiao Zhan’s texts and calls grew worried with each passing day.

During the next shooting day, Xiao Zhan had begged the director for a long break and cornered Yibo.

“Yibo, what’s wrong?” He asked worriedly. It was so easy to believe his concern. Xiao Zhan had always shown kindness to him and the others. It hurt to think that the elder could ever hurt him. But, he also knew that there was no other person who could sound like the voice he heard behind the door that day.

Yibo did not know how to answer his gege, so he stayed silent. Xiao Zhan pursed his lips.

“Yibo, did I do something wrong? You haven’t been answering any of my calls or texts during the past few days.” Yibo looked down as the elder spoke. However, Xiao Zhan made sure to lower his face so that Yibo couldn’t escape his gaze. “Yibo, talk to me. Please.”

The elder had begged him. No matter how much it hurt him, Yibo could never deny him. He looked up and gazed at Xiao Zhan with a sad smile. “It’s nothing, Zhan ge. You don’t have to worry.”

“There clearly is something wrong!” Xiao Zhan raised his voice, which caused Yibo to flinch. The elder’s shoulders dropped as he heaved a sigh. “Hey, hey, I’m sorry, Yibo. I didn’t mean to shout.” He placed his hands on Yibo’s shoulders. Yibo felt the sting of his touch, but he refused to let it show on his face. “There is something wrong, but you don’t want to tell me.” Xiao Zhan smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes like how it would when he was truly smiling. It looked bitter on him, and somewhat sad. How could he look so dejected when he knew that he was trying to manipulating him? “But, don’t cut me off, please? I want to be there for you, even if you don’t want me to.”

_Zhan ge, I want you to always be there. But, I don’t know if you really want to be beside me_ , Yibo’s mind helplessly supplied. He bit his lip, and sighed heavily. “Zhan ge, I just feel exhausted over work. I don’t even have a moment to sit down these days.”

Xiao Zhan sighed in return. “You’re overworking yourself again.” He placed his hands on his hips. Even while trying to look strict, Yibo still found Xiao Zhan so adorable. God, he was lost cause. “Later, when we’re done for the day, you’re going to come with me to my dressing room and sleep. Don’t think I can’t recognize the bags under your eyes with the make-up they put on you.”

He could only state at his Zhan ge helplessly.

“No excuses. Wang Yibo, you are not a superhero. You’re just Yibo.” The elder scoffed, walking away to get his bottle of water from his manager. His words lodged the hurt and pain deeper into his heart. How was it that the person who could see him the most was also the person who hurt him the most?

Yibo breathed in slowly, letting the air attempt to ease the pain in his chest. It didn’t do anything, as usual. Avoiding Xiao Zhan while filming Chen Qing Ling was going to be difficult for him, especially since they were co-stars. 

However, Yibo did not know how much more hurt he could handle while being in Xiao Zhan’s constant presence. It was a struggle to even be around the man.

_What if you don’t have to struggle?_ , his mind said to him. _What if you can pretend, too, that everything’s alright? What if you pretend until Chen Qing Ling’s promotions are over?_

Yibo did not want to pretend. If there was anything he learned from being in this business for too long, it was that pretending would never make you happy.

But, he didn’t think he could keep being beside his Zhan ge if he didn’t.

So, Wang Yibo pretended.

He kept up the image of being Wang Yibo, Xiao Zhan’s co-star in Chen Qing Ling, the other half of the pair that made Wangxian come to life. He kept up being the Yibo that Xiao Zhan knew. Whenever he was with the elder, he would momentarily forget about the truth. When he came back to his apartment in the wee hours of the morning, he let out the feelings he held back for so long.

It wasn’t a healthy cycle, Yibo knew. But, what else could he do? His heart was never part of the equation. His love was never supposed to be in this relationship. So, he smiled in front of him. In the dark, he ached. 

This was how Wang Yibo continued to live.

If his dreams still contained a lithe man wrapped in his arms on one cold October night, then only Yibo would know. Only his heart would keep the secret.

* * *

They bow, and say goodbye to the audience. They walk towards the backstage, his Zhan ge a few seconds away from breaking down. He leads him to his dressing room, a hovering hand on his waist to guide him. Xiao Zhan follows him willingly, expression a little dazed and lost. Once the elder hears the shutting of the door, his shoulders hunch, and he covers his face. Wang Yibo crouches down and surrounds him with his arms, and lets the elder rest his face on the crook of his neck. Xiao Zhan doesn’t make a sound, but Yibo knows he is still emotional by the wetness on his neck. They are still hung over the feeling of so many people mourning for the inevitable end of last year’s summer. Wang Yibo internally lets out a bitter chuckle. It is as if they knew that, for Yibo, this was the end as well. 

Yibo breathes in. 

Xiao Zhan lifts his face to look at Wang Yibo, his tear-stained cheeks evident even in the low light of the dressing room. Yibo makes sure he’s staring at him, his mind carving the image of his Zhan ge delicately, careful to miss out on any detail. Another tear releases itself from Xiao Zhan’s eyes. The younger cups the other’s cheek and trails the thumb along the tear’s path. It eventually leaves his love’s immaculate face. Yibo looks at it, mesmerized. There is a heaviness in the atmosphere that weighs down on the two of them, but neither can quite name what it is.

Xiao Zhan pulls Yibo to him and kisses him.

The kiss was chaste and gentle. Their mouths move slowly at first, shy and tentative, a literal dance around each other. They get bolder as time goes, lips chasing each other as if they couldn’t let each other go. In the cracks of passion was desperation as the kiss grew heated.

Yibo’s heart crumbles each time the other’s lips pressed against his. 

They share one last kiss, a whisper of a brush against the other’s. They both let go reluctantly. Yibo sees how clarity comes back to his Zhan ge’s hooded eyes, and how the reality of the situation slowly dawns on him.

Seeing the look of fear on his face completely breaks Yibo’s heart. He breathes in once again, trying to tuck the feelings that have broken out from the mess of his pieces.

He sees the other open his mouth, probably in an attempt to apologize, to lie, to undermine the gravity of what they had just done. 

That is how Yibo knows it was time.

“Zhan ge,” he cups the elder’s face, thumb rubbing the mole below his lip fondly. He looks at Xiao Zhan’s face one last time, and smiles. He hurts, yet he smiles genuinely, sincerely, full of all the feelings he had kept about the elder. He smiles because this is the only time he gets to have him. He smiles because it is the last. He uses the remnants of his strength to open his mouth. “Thank you.”

An abrupt knock on his door followed by a deep voice asking Yibo to leave for Changsha snap them out of the bubble they’ve created. Wang Yibo sighs as he stands up. He gulps and braces himself to leave the man he loves. He doesn’t look at Xiao Zhan because he knows it will break his resolve to let him go. He tries to convince himself that he needs this, he needs to get away from him, he needs to protect his heart as he walks towards the door.

“Yibo.”

He couldn’t help but turn back. Xiao Zhan looks at him with something frantic, but Yibo does not dwell on it. He watches the elder open and close his mouth many times, until it settles back to a firm line. He looks beautiful even when he feels conflicted. 

Yibo chooses to end the silence. If he stays here, he knows his resolve would shatter. “Goodbye, Zhan ge.” He says, turning his back on the elder and leaving the room.

He still refuses to cry. He has a shoot to go to. He has no time to mourn the loss of his love.

However, he promises that once he gets a few days off, he will grieve. He will relive the moment he said goodbye, and crush his heart again and again. He will let himself go for now, because he does not know how to pick up the pieces of his heart and build it back up again. For now, he will hurt. He will ache. He will indulge the pain. And then, he will wait. He will wait for everything to be okay. 

He doesn’t know when he will be okay.


	2. shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xiao Zhan learned three fundamental things in this industry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to my betas [@fireflavoredwhiskey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireflavoredwhiskey/pseuds/fireflavoredwhiskey) , [@dugyut_](https://twitter.com/dugyut_), and [ @aiyoonjae ](https://twitter.com/aiyoonjae) ! They've really helped fleshing out details and even technicalities to make this story come to life. It took so long to make this chapter because there really is too many things that should happen to explain the next chapter. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one as well! Any implications against people in this are not intended and are purely fictional hehe

Xiao Zhan was new to the entertainment industry, but because he came in pretty late into his life, it was somewhat easy to adjust to how things worked. By being in the industry, he learned three fundamental things.

First, whatever happened, he needed to keep himself grounded. The industry was harsh and ruthless, and it would eat souls alive if you got swept away in the highs of recognition. When he was still in X-Fire, he had the public’s love and attention. However, when he debuted and worked as an idol, he was slapped with the reality that affections are fleeting, and that even the people who are obliged to support you could tear you down as well. The instability of being an idol and an actor will always mean things will change at the second he least expected it. He needed to ensure that he was always in touch with the ground even if things turned upside down. It made him appreciate more the people who always stood by his side. He was grateful to be in a group that, despite his company’s very distaste for him, loved him and welcomed him.

Second, he needed to be careful with what he says and does in the public eye. One wrong move might cost him his career. He saw colleagues lose projects and commercials just because of a comment on Weibo. He saw how scandals have come up from just spending even a minute more with a co-star, especially if they were of the opposite sex.

Lastly, he needed to learn who to trust. He needed to choose who he told his secrets, and who would not use him to fulfill their personal fantasy. Xiao Zhan had to painfully cut off friendships who saw him as the famous friend they could manipulate. It left him lonely, but he would rather keep relationships that saw his worth as a person. He was only Xiao Zhan, the old boy from Chonqing who loved to paint and hang out with his friends, but he understood why past friends drifted and some became toxic when he became a celebrity. It was inevitable, really, but it did not make it any less painful that it did. 

As a result, even though Xiao Zhan was a pretty social person with the right setting, he kept to himself most of the time. He was polite to everyone, including staff from his projects, but he was apprehensive in initiating contact with anyone.

However, being Chen Qing Ling and becoming Wei Wuxian changed things for Xiao Zhan. Right at the start of filming, his manager pulled him aside and gave him a firm warning.

“Xiao Zhan,” he started, staring at the taller sternly. “You have to create chemistry with your co-star. You have to make it look like there’s something going on with you two.’

He nodded. He knew what he signed up for when he accepted the role. “I understand. I have to make Wangxian believable.”

“No, that’s not it.” His manager shook his head. “The management wants to make it seem like you have a scandal with Wang Yibo. Pretend to like him, make it seem like you’re irrevocably in love with him. It will make ratings for the show and your popularity higher.”

He raised a brow. “What?”

“Look, they’re holding the studio over your head for this,” his manager leaned in to whisper. “They’re not going to give you rights to have your own studio if you don’t cooperate.”

Xiao Zhan was fuming internally. How _dare_ they do that? The only reason he was pacified about the lawsuit was because they promised him a studio. Whatever happened to keeping their promises? They had that agreement on paper, and he studied it carefully and signed it. He clenched his fists, closed his eyes, and gulped down the scream of frustration threatening to break out from his throat. “Fine.” 

His manager looked at him pitifully. “It will get better eventually. Hold on for now, Xiao Zhan.” He walked back to where the staff stayed during shoots, leaving Xiao Zhan to mull over the burden he had to carry. In the midst of manipulation and deceit in the entertainment industry, faking affections was the last thing he wanted to do. He would like to think that he was one of the artists that didn’t have to overly stretch themselves to be liked and gain connections. Something about faking love for anyone just doesn’t sit right with him.

Fuck his company, really. If he knew how much of a scam they were, he wouldn’t have signed the contract. He just wanted to be an artist and do what he loved the most — singing, making songs, acting, sharing his craft to people who liked what he made — and nothing else. He didn’t imagine things would be this difficult, even coming to a point where he had to push down the values he lived with just to get by.

The entertainment industry was not fair.

But, Xiao Zhan had to cope. He met Wang Yibo, read some lines with him, and was sent to spend time with him because they were too awkward with each other. The awkwardness got better, as time went by. He got to know the Wang Yibo that the cameras knew, and the Wang Yibo who appeared behind the scenes. He slowly came to realize that the unbothered Yibo he saw in the other shows they appeared in was only the surface of who he really was. He saw how the boy worked extremely hard, even skimping on sleep and food for two nights just to make sure he had enough time for his shoots. He saw how his eyes lit up when he watched motor racing competitions during their breaks, how he constantly practiced skateboarding even on set, how he showed Xiao Zhan all the helmets he wanted to buy but couldn’t because he had yet to rearrange his apartment. He saw how much he concentrated when he acted, and would always ask for feedback on how to understand and improve his portrayal of Lan Wangji. Pretending to like him was not difficult; Xiao Zhan already genuinely liked him in the first place. Also, since he was normally a touchy person to people he felt comfortable with, he did not have to fake touching Yibo. 

The moment when Xiao Zhan knew he earned the younger’s trust was when he noticed that Yibo was especially quiet during one overnight shoot. The bulk of the scenes were done by Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo that humid night. Whenever they finished one scene and the crew were fixing the set for the next one, Yibo would stand in a corner and just stare into space. It didn’t help that the boy looked as white as a sheet, and Xiao Zhan knew it wasn’t just the make-up. Worrying that Yibo might collapse soon, he requested for a 30-minute break and pulled him aside.

Yibo scrunched his face. “Ge, what’s wrong?”

Xiao Zhan sighed. “You look dead, Yibo. You won’t last without a break.” His eyes wandered around to look for space to sit on. There was a hidden platform covered by the tall roof. He borrowed a blanket that they kept for rare nights when the wind was too cold and laid it on top of the platform. He sat himself down and crossed his legs, looking at Yibo expectantly. The younger just looked at him dumbfoundedly.

Slightly frustrated, he patted his lap. “Take a nap. You need it.”

Yibo shook his head. “Ge, I’m fine. I can manage.”

“No, you can’t.” Xiao Zhan pressed his lips into a firm line. “You’re very tired, and you need sleep. Come lay your head on my lap. I don’t have the softest legs, but you’re stuck with me for now.”

Yibo gave him a weird look. After a moment of contemplation, he sat beside Xiao Zhan and slowly laid his head on the elder’s lap. The instant he hit the elder’s lap, his eyes drooped like a cat’s. It was honestly so adorable that Xiao Zhan couldn’t make himself look away from him.

“Zhan ge, thank you,” Yibo whispered before he was overtaken by sleep. Xiao Zhan brushed the hair of the younger’s wig behind him, and carefully laid a hand on top of his head. It was a wonder to him how Yibo could just instantly clock off on his lap. Was it merely exhaustion? But, Yibo never fell asleep around anyone in the set so far. He would always take naps inside his dressing room, where his manager and other staff knew not to go into when he was asleep. He was always professional with work, and Xiao Zhan knew he was the type to push himself beyond his limits just to get work done. Yibo was passionate. Sometimes, this stretched him out too thin and left him breaking and trying to pick up the pieces as he tried to hide himself in the guise of a professional. For Wang Yibo to instantly fall asleep around him with little prompting… Xiao Zhan could only close his eyes and groan internally.

That meant Yibo trusted him. The younger man let down his defenses and obeyed Xiao Zhan, who demanded him to take a break. He showed him his sleeping face, and trusted him enough to respect his rest.

Xiao Zhan felt relieved and disgusted at the same time.

A part of him was delighted that Yibo trusted him. He was happy that the boy was able to show him sides of himself which he didn’t show to others that easily. He was thrilled that their relationship was slowly getting deeper than their surface-level interactions at the beginning of filming.

But, a part of him didn’t want Yibo’s trust. He wanted him to flee as far away from the monster that was Xiao Zhan. A crippling feeling of fear rose in him, and he could only gulp in an effort to bring down the bile that was rising in his throat. He didn’t want Yibo’s trust because he was going to betray him afterwards. His developing friendship with the younger was a relationship built on the lies and pretense that Xiao Zhan built in order to fulfill the company’s order. He didn’t want to betray such a wonderful person.

And, yet, here he was.

_Xiao Zhan, you are a scumbag_ , his mind helpfully supplied.

He looked at the younger’s face, eyes tracing the subtle lines of fatigue on it. Xiao Zhan felt like his heart was being squeezed and it hurt. Wang Yibo was too hardworking, but he needed to remember that he was human, too, and that he needed to rest. Something in him wanted to hide this boy away from the cameras. He wanted to protect him from the pressures that were thrusted to him. He wanted to whisk him away from here and bring him to a place where no one knew who they were just to help the boy breathe. God, he wanted to do many things to look after Yibo.

He placed his hand on top of the other’s forehead, gently creating circles on Yibo’s forehead with his thumb while trying to calm the storm in his heart. Let him have this for now. Let him be a hypocrite and attempt to care for this boy six years his junior in ways he can do. Let him illusion himself into thinking he was already attempting to make up for the betrayal he was forced to live through. Let him have this moment.

Xiao Zhan didn’t know that moment was going to be where things went downhill.

The moment Xiao Zhan acknowledged his feelings to protect Yibo, he started noticing his reactions to Yibo that he wouldn’t usually notice. For example, he felt the fluttering wings of butterflies in his stomach whenever Yibo asked for his tea bottle and drank from it. When he saw YIbo practicing dance sequences during their breaks, there was a burning heat he always attempted to quell building up below his stomach. His cheeks tinged with red whenever Yibo squeezed his biceps after hitting them randomly and starting fights with him. Comfort and relief springs up from his heart whenever Yibo sat beside him during especially longer shoots and forcefully put his head on his shoulder. 

He refused to acknowledge the growing feeling in his heart. He had to constantly remind himself that he was getting closer to Yibo to raise the views. They gradually started sounding like excuses to Xiao Zhan. He had to admit it to himself eventually; he was getting closer to Yibo because he craved, no, loved how Yibo made him feel. 

The penny dropped on Yibo’s birthday. They were sitting by the rooftop, waiting for the next scene to film. Xiao Zhan had no particular business being on the roof that night, but he decided to accompany the younger anyway. 

“Zhan ge, you look like the type of person to seriously study about stars.” Yibo commented, distractedly putting his hair behind his shoulders. Xiao Zhan pushed it back for him, careful not to leave any strand behind. 

Xiao Zhan hummed. “I did take them seriously at some point. Mostly because I wanted to paint them.”

“The stars tend to be romanticized a lot, don’t you think, ge?” Yibo looked up to stare at the sky. The lights hit his face just right, accentuating the sharp jawline he was envious of.

Xiao Zhan turned his gaze to the stars. “They’re beautiful enough to be romanticized.”

“But, they’re just specks of rock in the sky.

“It’s in the interpretations, Yibo.” Xiao Zhan patted the younger’s head, which caused Yibo to irritatedly shake his hand off. “It’s the stories that people think up which makes the stars worth looking at. For example, maybe they think of the stars as their dead loved ones.”

“I’ve heard of that before.”

“Yeah. It’s a coping mechanism. It helps people move on.” Xiao Zhan closed his eyes as he let out a soft sigh. “For me, they were a comfort when I was finishing my final requirements for graduation. I’ve been working hard for so long, and I was.. tired. I didn’t know what else I was supposed to fight for. It was so late into the night when I decided to just stop and look up. They were always there, the stars. No matter what happened. No matter how much we killed ourselves. And, that’s when I realized that I didn’t always have to know where I was running to, what I was supposed to achieve. I just have to be there, and maybe, it’ll all play out how it was supposed to in the end.”

Yibo turned to face the elder. “And, did it play out like how it was supposed to?”

Xiao Zhan smiled. “It did. It wasn’t how I expected everything to turn out, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He looked up once again. “I studied and painted them carefully as a gift of gratitude.” 

“Do you still have that painting?”

“That? My parents have it now. I could ask them to take a photo if you want to see it.” The elder scratched his head. “It’s not one of my finest works, though.”

“So what? It’s still Zhan ge’s work.” Yibo shrugged. “It helped you come to where you are right now, so of course I would want to see it.”

Xiao Zhan felt his cheeks heat up. Hearing those words from Yibo made him feel things he dared not name. He chuckled awkwardly, trying to ease the indescribable tension that wrapped the atmosphere. “My didi is interested in this old man’s work? I’m really flattered, then.”

Yibo rolled his eyes, sighing defeatedly and turning back to look at the stars. “Hey, Zhan ge,” he looked at Xiao Zhan. “The stars are bright tonight because it’s my birthday,” The little brat smirked. “Doesn’t that mean I’m a bright star as well?”

Xiao Zhan rolled his eyes. “Aiya, this kid is always hungry for compliments.” He hit Yibo’s shoulder for good measure.

Yibo laughed. “Why won’t I fish for compliments from you when I clearly deserve it?”

“What a thick-faced brat,” The taller clicked his tongue. 

“You love me anyway, Zhan ge.” Yibo threw his head back and laughed mischievously.

Xiao Zhan stopped breathing.

While Yibo was laughing at his own joke, yet for the elder, the world halted.

_Fuck. He’s in love with this man._

He, who was tasked to pretend to be in an onscreen ambiguous relationship with Wang Yibo, was _in love_ with the man himself? _Truly_ in love with him?

God fucking _damn_. How much more fucked up could he be?

But, was it for real? Did Xiao Zhan really love Yibo? Was he sure? 

What if he was just in love with Wang Yibo because he got too much into character and saw him as how Wei Wuxian viewed Lan Wangji? What if it was all just a side effect of method acting? What if he was just not able to separate his own feelings from Wei Wuxian’s? How was he supposed to know?

The only thing he knew was true was the warm feeling he got from looking at Yibo. These feelings wanted to spur him into action, to actually pull the boy into his arms and keep him there. He wanted to taste Yibo, and map out the interior of his mouth. He wanted to make him laugh a little more. 

“Zhan ge, you’re zoning out.” 

Xiao Zhan was pulled back by the concerned tone of Yibo’s voice and the slight wrinkle on the space between his eyebrows. Good lord, he looked fucking lovely. How whipped was he for the boy?

He gave him a grin and a pat on the head. “I was just reflecting over how bright you are, Yibo.”

The younger rolled his eyes once again. “It’s not fun when you’re using compliments to dodge things.”

Xiao Zhan looked sheepish. “Sorry, Yibo, I really was just spacing out.”

The boy took one look at him and crossed his arms. “You better make it up to me by treating me to barbeque tomorrow.”

The elder gawked at him. “It’s our only rest day this week, yet you still want to go out? Damn, the energy of the youth these days…”

“You gotta watch your back, _yeye_ (grandpa), or you’ll break it.” 

Xiao Zhan hit Yibo’s arm in retaliation, which started their hitting war once again. _This is fine_ , Xiao Zhan thought. Let the moment quell whatever he was feeling then. Let him forget slowly how fucked up his situation was. That night, he tried to forget for a moment what it was like to realize he fell in love with the person he wasn’t supposed to fall in love with.

However, reality had other plans. 

Just when Xiao Zhan convinced himself to push down the feelings he had for Yibo until the end of filming, his manager just had to remind him of the betrayal he was supposed to do. He just finished filming an extremely emotional scene that took much of his energy. He did not see Yibo the entire day because he had to film another project in a different location. Xiao Zhan was tired, hungry, and drained when his manager cornered him in his dressing room.

“Xiao Zhan,” his manager said, exasperated. “The company thinks you aren’t doing enough.”

He heaved a sigh. “They always think I’m not doing enough. What’s the damage this time?”

"You have to pretend to like him some more. Make the audience believe that both of you are real and legit. You have to make Chen Qing Ling a success so that the company can give you your studio." His manager demanded. Xiao Zhan wanted to lash out in frustration. 

The actor breathed in, attempting to calm the growing anger inside him. "I know. I'm trying my best to pretend to ‘like’ him. We already look like a couple, don't we?" He crossed his arms. He was not in the proper mindspace to deal with this, but he needed to be professional.

“You do. But, you have to try harder.” _Well_ . How much _harder_ did he need to try? How much did he need to give? How much of his heart did he have to carve out of his chest just to get a taste of the freedom he wanted?

Could somebody tell Xiao Zhan just how much of himself did he have to break in order to stay alive?

He hid the tight fist he unconsciously formed from his manager. “Fine. I’ll do more.”

His manager’s eyes softened. “I’m sorry you have to go through this, Xiao Zhan. It’s how the system works.”

_And, how Xiao Zhan wished he didn’t have to be here._

When the door closed, Xiao Zhan dove into his makeshift couch and screamed into the pillow. He was just so _frustrated_. He loved acting, he loved singing for his fans, and he genuinely enjoyed the creative challenges being an artist gave him. Yet, why did it cost him so much to just enjoy what he loved doing? He did not know anymore what he was supposed to do.

And, there was the issue of loving Yibo.

If there was one thing that Xiao Zhan did not regret in the past two months of filming Chen Qing Ling, it would be realizing he fell in love with Yibo. Falling in love with him was like a breath of fresh air in a world filled with smoke; meeting him on the set was the only thing Xiao Zhan looked forward to these days. He loved loving the boy, loved discovering new reasons to fall in love with him everyday, but he knew he had to face the music at some point. Was he really in love with Wang Yibo, the man behind the Lan Wangji, or was he looking at Yibo with Wei Wuxian-centric glasses? Was he simply manifesting Wei Wuxian’s feelings? 

Xiao Zhan still didn’t know the answer.

Everything slowly became overwhelming for Xiao Zhan. The stress of portraying Wei Wuxian perfectly, consciously initiating more skinship with Yibo on camera, sensing a shift in his ‘real’ relationship with the younger, thinking about his feelings as Wei Wuxian and if his feelings for Yibo were genuine, ignoring the hateful comments he saw on Weibo, and keeping up the pretense that he was doing fine ate him, inch by inch at first, then all at once. By the end of Chen Qing Ling’s filming, there was only so little left of Xiao Zhan that he broke the moment he got home that night, locking himself inside his comfort room and only coming out when his close friends couldn’t get a hold of him for the entire day. Thank god for friends who just knew.

“Xiao Zhan-ah,” they begged him. “Take a break. Get away from here. Think about who you really are. Come back to us as Xiao Zhan, and not as Wei Wuxian.” 

That was why, the week after, Xiao Zhan found himself in Peking Capital Airport with a ticket to Tokyo with only a duffel bag on his shoulder. He hid his face in a mask, and asked airport security to let him pass through the special entrances. Thankfully, he was in the business class, which granted him as much privacy he needed. He personally thought he was worse for wear, and he didn’t want to be seen in such a state. The plane ride left him feeling adrift, like he was part of the sky he was currently traversing in. When they announced the plane’s arrival in Haneda Airport, Xiao Zhan mechanically went through the motions of passing through immigration and getting into the last bus to Ikebukuro. The streets of Ikebukuro were still slightly buzzing, despite it being already midnight. He checked in to his hotel, which was when he realized that his friends booked him a twin room. It was alright with him, in the end.

When he got into his room, he felt a strange sense of comfort that the massive space he had to himself gave. His sense of ease was disturbed by the incessant growling of his stomach. He didn’t really get to eat much that day, choosing instead to drift as he packed what he was going to bring to Japan. He got his wallet from his bag, and made his way downstairs.

Ikebukuro was thriving at night. The dark, star-filled sky was mirrored by the numerous lights of nightlife establishments in the area. He could definitely hear the boom of the bass from the speakers, and people’s excited chattering inside and outside the shops. However, Xiao Zhan was not in the mood to party. He was alone, and he didn’t want any company for now. He settled for an open ramen shop called Ichiran. The place was small, but luckily, there were less people at this time of the morning. He fed the machine a thousand yen bill and chose ramen and extra pork on the side. Settling himself on a seat, he ticked off the paper according to how he liked his ramen, and gave it to the server. He didn’t have to wait long to receive his ramen; it was ready after only five minutes. The noodles hit his palate like fresh water after drought, its flavors making themselves known one by one as he takes a sip and a bite. It was quite familiar, this flavor. 

It reminded him of that one late night when he and Yibo crashed at his apartment. They had been both tired and hungry, and the younger had nothing in his fridge but two packs of some type of Japanese ramen one of his members from UNIQ brought back for him, a pack of soft tofu, and five eggs. Because he had been too tired, he had merely sat on the couch and had not been able to oversee how Yibo cooked it. The boy had been excited to cook for him anyway. He was surprised to see a soup of ramen with bits of tofu and egg floating on the surface. He did not have the heart to call Yibo out for adding too much water and cutting the tofu too small when the latter had grinned at him proudly, expecting praise for his hard work. 

“Zhan ge, here, try my ramen.” The younger had given him a pair of chopsticks, a spoon, and his own bowl. Xiao Zhan could only stifle a chuckle at how adorable this brat was. He scooped some soup into his bowl before filling it slightly with ramen. He took a bite of the noodles, raised the bowl to his lips, and tipped it so that he could taste the soup along with the noodles. He widened his eyes as he put the bowl down.

“You really made this, Yibo?” He had asked, then.

“Is it good?”

“Yeah, the flavor stands out even though you put in too much water.” He offered his bowl and chopsticks to Yibo. “Here, try it.”

Yibo looked taken aback at first, but used the elder’s bowl to taste his own cooking, his ears tinged slightly red. He made a noise and raised a thumbs up to Xiao Zhan. “It’s good.”

Xiao Zhan nodded. “It is, right?”

“As expected,” The lanky man smirked, giving back the elder’s bowl to him. “I’m a great chef.”

The taller rolled his eyes. “You cook one good meal, and suddenly you think you’re a chef.”

“Aren’t I?” Yibo had dared to raise a brow. “I can cook for you more in the future.”

Xiao Zhan hummed noncommittally as he scooped more ramen into his bowl. “Okay fine, Chef Yibo. You should cook me some Kǒushuǐ jī next time.”

The younger had bitten his lip. “Okay, I promise.” 

The ringing of his phone snapped Xiao Zhan from his reminiscing. It puzzled him at first because he made sure to turn off his data and contact from the world for this trip so it couldn’t have been a notification. It was actually an alarm he forgot he had set earlier. He immediately shut it off sheepishly, thankful that the shop had dividers to save his face from shame. He finished the rest of his ramen in just a few gulps, and hastily went out of the shop. Feeling sluggish from the slowly creeping food coma, he walked to his hotel slowly, savoring the slightly cool breeze that signaled the coming of autumn and the brightly lit constellations in the sky. He used his fingers to point and trace out the constellations he still remembered. The stars would always remind him of that moment of hopelessness during his undergraduate years, and of the story of the Little Prince. He thought of Wei Wuxian, and how he would have loved the mystery of heavenly bodies like the stars. He would perhaps suit being a curious pirate, with his very capable sidekick and husband, Lan Wangji. But, what if it were him and Yibo instead?

He snorted. They would probably be a chaotic pair. Unlike Lan Wangji, who would probably give his husband free reign over maneuvering their ship, Yibo would excitedly take the opportunity to spin the ship’s wheel and experiment with the ship’s functions. He would probably be the one taking care and maintaining the ship. What a switch of roles. 

Upon reaching the hotel room, Xiao Zhan quickly took a shower and changed into the bathrobe the hotel provided, and laid on his bed for a few moments while looking at the ceiling. He didn’t know what to expect for this trip, since his itinerary wasn’t as planned as he would like it to be, and his mind was still a mess ever since the end of taping. However, he wasn’t as apprehensive about this trip as he was when his friends first mentioned it to him. Maybe something good would come out of this. Xiao Zhan just had to wait.

The next day, Xiao Zhan found himself in the buzzling streets between Harajuku and Shibuya, looking through the various brand shops that lined the streets and admiring the different fashion styles people had. He recognized mixes of different styles, like shironuri mixed with lolita styles, or decora with a mainly visual kei concept. It was interesting to see how even other cultures influenced Japanese fashion. His inner artist tingled in excitement.

His trip to Shibuya was primarily for one goal: find clothes that made him feel like himself. In the days that preceded his trip, he found himself feeling uncomfortable in short sleeved clothing and reaching for hoodies and sweatpants that covered him, much like how his costume did before. He knew he had to force himself to buy and wear clothes that wouldn’t remind him of his Wei Wuxian.

Entering through various stores, Xiao Zhan was able to buy a pretty decent set of clothes; he bought a simple black shirt, a rayon dark olive green button up with short sleeves, and khaki colored cargo pants. He walked through the expanse of Cat Street, hoping to see more clothes that would fit him, when he saw a store with skateboards lined up on the window. Beside it was an LED triangle with the word “Palace” written on each side of the triangle. He felt strangely compelled to enter the store, so he climbed a short flight of stairs and went inside the shop.

“いらっしゃいませ! ( _Irasshaimase_ / _Welcome!_ )” A man in a black shirt and dress pants greeted Xiao Zhan in Japanese as he walked towards him and bowed. “何かお探しですか? ( _Nan ka osagashi desu ka?_ / _May I help you_?)”

Xiao Zhan was flustered, knowing only the basic Japanese phrases despite having been exposed to the language multiple times on different occasions. “日本語があまりしゃべれない. ( _Nihongo ga amari shabberenai_ / _I can't speak much Japanese._ )”

Another store employee came toward the man, and whispered to him. The man smiled at him, and bowed as he started to walk away. The new employee also gave him a smile as he greeted him. “Hello, Mr. Xiao Zhan.” 

He was shocked. “You know Chinese?”

“I majored in Chinese studies when I was in university, Sir. I’m a really big fan of X-Nine, by the way.” He offered Xiao Zhan a handshake, which he returned. The staff turned his back on him and gestured toward the selection of clothes behind him. “What brings you to our store?”

“Actually, I’m just looking. The skateboards up on the glass reminded me of a friend.” He confessed sheepishly.

The staff nodded as he spoke, and led him to the selection of clothes behind a central set of marble stairs. Xiao Zhan also noticed a 3D plush red block of “Palace” near the front of the stairs. It looked like it was made of fur. The items on display on their first floor were bags and jackets which were a mix of casual and dressy, but true to the street aesthetic. He let his hands run through the different feel of the jackets’ fabrics. 

“Our shop mainly caters to street fashion for skateboarding, as you may have inferred from our store design,” he chuckled as he saw Xiao Zhan blushing. The artist was embarrassed at his motivations to even go into this shop. The staff told him more about the store’s history, and the current collection they had. He looked through the collection seriously, attempting to understand and appreciate what Palace had to offer. Their concept was about facing one’s fear. His eyes were drawn to a particular white coach jacket. What stood out to Xiao Zhan was the design at the back. It held the usual triangle with “Palace” written on all three sides, which was the trademark of this brand, but there was a rip at the center with a blue tiger which seemingly scratched itself out of the triangle. The tiger symbol was very —

“Yibo,” he whispered under his breath. “It’s very Yibo.”

“Yibo?” The staff member asked. He pursed his lips, seemingly remembering something. “Is this Yibo… Wang Yibo?”

Xiao Zhan was surprised. “You know Wang Yibo?” It hit him that the remark was pretty stupid. Wang Yibo was also known outside China, so it wouldn’t be surprising if people who weren’t Chinese knew of him. 

“Yeah. He’s Wang Yibo from UNIQ, right?” The actor nodded. “He’s actually a very loyal customer here. We know of him, but we have never actually met him in person yet. The staff here knows him as the frequent buyer from China. His orders are a constant every season. Sometimes, he would purchase more than once per season, depending on what he needed. He would also ask for advice from our personnel about certain products and styles.” The staff’s eyes were twinkling. “We’re very fond of him because he actually cares about the brand.”

Xiao Zhan found himself unconsciously grinning. That was so Yibo. The boy had tunnel vision when it came to his interests, and would focus on them like he couldn’t get enough about them. Making up his mind, he took the jacket in his arms. “I’ll bring this back for him.”

“Excellent choice. Would you like to come up? We have our shirts, hants, pants, and other items displayed on the second floor.”

“Sure.” The actor followed after the staff as he ascended the marble stairs. The stairs and the cutout of the second floor to accommodate the stairs looked triangular together, which was very loyal to their trademark icon. True to his word, the second floor contained more items than the first. He went through more clothes before settling on a long-sleeved white button up shirt with a painting of the heavens and angels at the back. According to the staff, it was their Persailles shirt.

“Is that all you’re getting?” The staff asked as he scanned the price tag on the counter. Xiao Zhan gave his card and his signature to him. 

“For now, yes,” he replied, putting his card back in his wallet and getting the bag the staff gave him. “I’ll visit with Yibo in the future, since he knows more about the brand.”

“We’d love to meet Wang Yibo in person as well!” The staff bowed at him. “We hope you’ll enjoy your items! Please come again, Mr. Xiao Zhan.”

Xiao Zhan felt lighter as he exited the shop and walked toward Harajuku station. He was excited to tell Yibo about his experience in his favorite shop, and wondered what face Yibo would make when he found out that the elder bought him a jacket from Palace Skateboards. The 11-minute walk passed by without him even remembering how he got there because he was ecstatic about Yibo.

Xiao Zhan decided to spend his third day in Japan in Odaiba. He got ready earlier than he did yesterday to prepare for the 1-hour journey. He watched the scenery go by as the trains sped through the neighborhoods. He got off at Shimbashi to ride another train to Odaiba when someone collided with him on his way to the gates. 

“ _Oh, sorry about that_!” The stranger said as she quickly moved away from Xiao Zhan. She moved her heavy-looking backpack from her front to her back. “ _Oh, I mean_ すみません ( _sumimasen/excuse me_ )!”

Ah. English wasn’t Xiao Zhan’s strong suit, but he knew enough to be able to converse properly. He secretly thanked all the preparations he did for his supposed exchange in Canada. “ _It’s okay._ ”

“ _Oh, you can speak in English_?” The stranger said in wonder.

“ _A little_ ,” he replied sheepishly.

“ _That’s a relief! It’s difficult to navigate Japan without knowing a single ounce of Japanese. I even downloaded Google Translate to help me out!_ ” She showed him her phone screen and pointed to her Google Translate app. “ _Where are you heading?_ ”

“ _I’m going to Odaiba._ ”

“ _Good! I’m going there, too. My husband loves Gundam, but he couldn’t go with me on this trip. Why are you going to Odaiba?_ ” The stranger and Xiao Zhan stopped in front of the gate. Thankfully, the train arrived right at that moment. They settled themselves inside the train first before resuming their conversation. Since Xiao Zhan only brought a fanny pack with him, he volunteered to take the stranger’s bag on his lap.

“ _Ah, um, I’m going to Odaiba for Gundam, too._ ”

“ _That’s cool. We can go there together!_ ” The stranger smiled at him. He responded with an awkward smile of his own. “ _What’s your name?_ ”

“ _My name is Sean. How about you?_ ”

“ _I’m Hope! Nice to meet you, Sean!_ ” Hope offers her hand to him. He shook her hand politely. “ _Sorry if I’m a little chatty, I’m just really excited about this trip, you know? I’m taking pictures and recording everything for my poor husband who’s stuck at home._ ”

Xiao Zhan tipped his head towards her. “ _Why is your husband stuck at home?_ ”

Hope scrunched her face. “ _He had to take over another teacher’s class for two weeks because the other teacher got into an accident._ ” She clutched her fist and put it against her chest. “ _My poor baby. Do you want to see his picture?_ ”

He couldn’t help but nod. Even though he found it quite awkward to be talking so casually like this to a stranger he just met, he found himself not minding because Hope was full of enthusiasm. He didn’t have the heart to break her heart.

Hope took out her phone once again and scrolled through the photos of her gallery. She tapped on a photo of her and a tall, stern-looking man who did not even smile for the camera. He was carrying Hope like a bride. “ _His name is Marius. He’s a grumpy little bud, but he really makes me happy_ .” Hope sighed, a lovestruck look in her eyes. Xiao Zhan felt envy creeping up in his chest. _But, why? Why am I envious of her?_

Hope kept her phone in her pocket. “ _How about you, Sean? Anyone special you left behind wherever you’re from?_ ”

He pursed his lips. _Special?_ “ _Well, there is someone special, but I don’t know whether my feelings for him are real or not._ ”

“ _Why not?_ ”

“ _It’s…_ ” Xiao Zhan didn’t know how to share his story without revealing too much. However, he felt a strange comfort in Hope. He felt like he could trust her. _“I played a character with him, and that character should be in love with his character. And, it iss my job to look like I really love him. So, I don’t know how to separate my real feelings for him. As Sean. And, as the character._ ”

Both of them were silent for a few minutes. It dawned on Xiao Zhan how heavy his dilemma really was when he let it out. However, there was also a sense of lightheartedness lingering in his chest because he was finally able to talk about what was bothering him. Fortunately, their conversation was stalled by the train arriving in Odaiba-Kaihinkoen station. They both got off the train, and started the mini trek to the Gundam Cafe first. It was the nearest to the station after all. They agreed to go to the Unicorn Gundam Statue after they got some lunch in the Diver City Plaza.

“ _You know, Sean,_ ” Hope started, rubbing the base of her chin in deep thought. “ _What made you fall in love with him in the first place?_ ”

Xiao Zhan paused. It took him a while before he could answer Hope’s question. He was about to answer when Hope shushed him.

“ _I really want you to think about it, Sean. Let’s talk later when we get some lunch, okay? Let’s enjoy the sights for now!_ ” Hope said gently as they entered the cafe. It was less of a cafe than Xiao Zhan had expected; it was more of a souvenir shop for gundam-related merchandise. Hope happily told him all about the gundams she recognized and her husband’s favorites. Xiao Zhan even asked for recommendations because he wanted to buy something for a friend.

“ _Is this friend your special person?_ ” Hope asked teasingly. The artist blushed at her remark. Well, she wasn’t wrong.

After all, Yibo was the reason why he even came here in the first place. He was hoping to pique the boy’s interest with the gundams because the boy already expressed before that he loved Legos. This was right up the younger’s ally. 

They both went out of the cafe with a bag in hand. Hope was so enthusiastic about buying gundams that Xiao Zhan had to physically restrain her from picking up more merchandise that she could carry. He reminded her that gundams took a lot of space in her luggage, and she might end up with an extra fine if she bought any more. Hope pouted, but relented to his advice anyway. On their way to the Diver City plaza, the woman was happily talking about the history of the Unicorn Gundam Statue. However, Xiao Zhan was honestly distracted. He was still thinking about the question Hope asked him. What was it exactly that made him fall in love with Yibo? Was it the fact that the environment was conducive for it? No, that couldn’t be right. Xiao Zhan didn’t know where his confidence stemmed from, but he had an inkling he would still like the younger even if they weren’t co-stars. After all, there was so much to —

“ _Sean!_ ” Hope tapped Xiao Zhan’s shoulder. She could barely manage to reach his shoulder because the woman was only as tall as his chest. “ _We’re at the counter._ ”

Xiao Zhan didn’t notice that they already arrived in the cafe and were already in line. He looked up at the menu, and ordered the first thing he found appealing. Hope gave her order as well, and paid for their meal. The artist insisted on paying, but the woman told him she wanted to treat him for coming with her today. It was an unwarranted treat, but Xiao Zhan made sure Hope knew he was thankful for her favor. The two of them found a seat and took their time in savoring their meal. Half of the day was over, and they walked a lot just to get to places. They needed the meal to recharge their energy.

“ _So, Sean,_ ” Hope said, gulping down the last of her food. “ _Have you thought about it?_ ”

Xiao Zhan took a moment to put down his utensils and arranged them properly on his plate. “ _I am not sure. But, maybe… in the small things he did.”_ He didn’t think he could immediately name something that made him fall in love with Yibo. He guessed it was those small things that eventually built up to that feeling _. “He works hard and devotes himself to everything he gives his attention to.”_ He looks mature, but I love how he can just drop all his defenses in front of the right people and be the 22-year-old boy he really is. He is childish, but even that part of him is endearing. _“He doesn’t speak much, but he cares a lot. I love him very, very much._ ”

Hope nodded at him, serious. “ _Are these things similar to what you love about his character?_ ”

“ _No._ ” The answer easily let itself out of his lips. “ _His character… He’s different. He’s not Yibo—_ ”

Oh _._

_He’s not Yibo._

The realization hit him like a ton of bricks on his head all at the same time.

Suddenly, everything made sense. 

Xiao Zhan looked up to find Hope smiling warmly at him. “ _Did that answer your question?_ ”

He felt himself tear up. He felt a huge weight being lifted from his chest. There was finally clarity in his mind. Everything suddenly felt easier for him. With the past few days being clouded over by his struggle to separate him and his heart from Wei Wuxian, Xiao Zhan found that the answer was in him all along and he just needed to face his reality.

Xiao Zhan’s reality, not Wei Wuxian’s.

However, there was something in Xiao Zhan’s reality that he still had to face.

Xiao Zhan frowned.

“ _What’s wrong?_ ” Seemingly picking up Xiao Zhan’s change in mood, Hope patted his hand on the table to get his attention. 

He shook his head. “ _I did something bad to him. He doesn’t know, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that I did it._ ”

Hope gasped. “ _What did you do, Sean?_ ”

The taller balled his hands into fists. “ _I… Hope, I led him on. I had to, because they told me it was my job._ ” He raised his eyes to meet Hope’s. “ _I betrayed his trust._ ”

Hope pursed her lips. “ _You had to?_ ”

“ _I had to, I had to,”_ he didn’t know if he was trying to convince himself or Hope. “ _They told me they would give me what I want if I did what they wanted._ ”

Xiao Zhan tried to calm himself down. Panic was slowly rising from his chest, reminding of what happened after Chen Qing Ling’s filming. Hope was telling him something and was rubbing circles on his hands. He breathed in and out, and counted to five.

“ _Feeling better now?_ ” Hope asked, concern evident in her eyes. Xiao Zhan nodded.

“ _Yes. It just reminded me of the guilt and other feelings I would rather not feel._ ”

She bit her lip. “ _Sean, I know I’m not really qualified to say this since I’ve only known you for a few hours, but I think you need to face whatever this is that you are feeling. Listen, I don’t think you’ll be able to move forward with those feelings still in your heart._ ” She pointed to his chest. “ _You have to face this, and forgive yourself. I believe it wasn’t entirely your fault._ ”

He stared at her incredulously. “ _You believe me?_ ”

“ _Of course!_ ” Hope smiled. “ _My husband tells me I’m a good judge of character!_ ”

That made Xiao Zhan chuckle. “ _Then, I believe you, too._ ”

“ _You don’t have to think about all of it now, Sean._ ” Hope said as she stood up. Xiao Zhan stood up with her as well. They made their way towards the self clean up area, where they left their plates and utensils. “ _It’ll come in time. And, I hope that when you’re ready, it isn’t too late yet to chase after the one you love._ ”

Xiao Zhan gave her a small smile. _“I hope so, too._ ”

They made their way to the Unicorn Gundam Statue. The statue was so huge it would probably be better to take photos and look at it from afar. However, it truly was magnificent to look at up close. Even the smallest details of the gundam were paid attention to. Xiao Zhan raised his phone to take photos of the gundam. He planned to send them to Yibo later, when he arrived in the hotel. The boy would like looking at this massive gundam. He could already imagine the shock and fanboying he had to endure in the chat once he sent Yibo his photos. Xiao Zhan took multiple shots just in case the younger wanted to see the entirety of the figure. He let himself study the gundam in wonder. Hope, on the other hand, wasn’t doing any better. Her jaw literally dropped the moment she saw the figure, and went around the perimeter of the figure just to take pictures. She even might have cried a little.

After getting their fill of the figure, they traversed through Diver City Plaza once again. A group of teenagers holding skateboards caught Xiao Zhan’s eye. They were talking animatedly with each other. Where did they come from? Did they have a shop for skateboarding needs here? Maybe he could buy Yibo another skateboard. He didn’t notice he was saying all of these aloud until Hope called his name.

“ _Are you curious where they came from? I heard there’s a skate park by the rooftop_ .” She said with a knowing look on her face. Xiao Zhan nodded, blushing a little for being caught. She patted his arm as they rode the escalators. “ _Do you wanna tell me about this Yibo person? He seems to preoccupy your thoughts most of the time._ ”

Xiao Zhan sheepishly shook his head. “ _Sorry. I think I just miss him. I haven’t seen him for more than a week now. What do you want to know about him?”_

Hope hummed. “ _Let’s start with.. Why those teenagers made you remember him._ ” 

They got into another escalator. Xiao Zhan let Hope ride first. “ _He recently developed an interest in skateboarding. He talks about it a lot, and shares with me his progress videos. He’s really great, that guy. I personally haven’t seen many skateboard moves, but I can tell he’s getting better everyday._ ”

“ _Does he plan on doing it professionally? Or, maybe joining some competitions? The sky garden on top has some friendly competitions among its members._ ”

“ _I’m.. not sure. He’s quite busy_ .” Xiao Zhan’s eyes lit up. “ _Did you know he competes for motor racing? Ah, seriously.. That boy is talented._ ”

“ _A multi-talented person! What a great guy,_ ” Hope fawned, making Xiao Zhan chuckle. They stepped out onto the rooftop, and couldn’t help but gasp at what they saw. It really was a full on skate park, with different leveled surfaces. There were different types of people in the park; there were children with their cute little helmets, teenagers who were learning tricks from young adults and even adults who were putting on a show. The park was protected by netted metal railings on the side to make sure that everyone was safe. 

_“This looks amazing,”_ Hope said, taking out her phone to take pictures. Xiao Zhan did the same, being extra careful to include all amenities of the park. He also took photos of the flyers, mentally reminding himself to plug those into Google Translate later. At first glance, the location of the park wasn’t ideal, but it actually worked. Being on the rooftop meant you are close to the sky, and wouldn’t it feel nice to skateboard like the rider was flying? The location also provided a good scenic view of Odaiba. They walked around the park, but since they did not want to disturb the community, they agreed to just go back down. Xiao Zhan promised to himself that he would return here with Yibo so that he could watch him in his element.

He and Hope continued to chat about trivial things while they rode the train back to Shimbashi. He got to know some things about Hope’s husband, who was actually a dedicated person at heart even if he weren’t as expressive as his wife. He reminded Xiao Zhan of a teenage Lan Wangji, a very rigid character yet always so easy to rile up. 

The two of them parted ways at Shimbashi. Xiao Zhan wanted to drop by Akihabara to buy some manga and One Piece figures before his flight the next day, while Hope had to go back to her hotel in Shimbashi for their dinner buffet. They exchanged instagram profiles because it was the only international social media platform that Xiao Zhan had a private account in. He gave her a tight hug as they bid goodbye to each other.

“ _Sean, promise me you’ll forgive yourself, okay?_ ” Hope patted his back when Xiao Zhan withdrew from her. “ _It’s not good having that in your heart. Forgive and let go. Only then can you decide what to do with your clear feelings now._ ” She wore both straps of her backpack. “ _I believe in you!_ ”

“ _Thank you, Hope,_ ” he muttered sincerely. She gave him a wave before disappearing into the crowd. Xiao Zhan was happy he had met someone on this trip who gave him clarity and support. It made him think about his friends who had bought him this trip. They were only trying to help him in a way they know they can. He was thankful for all of these people around him who cared for him no matter what happened to him. He would buy them souvenirs later when he came back from Akihabara and text them when he came back to thank them for their love and support throughout the years. People came and went from his life, but it was true that those who mattered would never be weathered by time.

Since his flight was still at five in the afternoon, Xiao Zhan used his remaining time to go around Ikebukuro. This morning, he was struck by inspiration and his hands felt antsy to start working on the project. He learned from his searches that there was an art shop here in Ikebukuro named Kinkado, which had a good variety of paint brushes and paints that Xiao Zhan was looking for. He went to Kinkado and bought what he needed, hands unconsciously going for deeper reds and blacks. Afterwards, he went around the area to shop for souvenirs for his family and friends. 

His flight back home was all a blur, the thought of his project consuming his consciousness and demanding him to paint. The last time he felt the muse consume him was when he graduated from college and spent a month at home before going for job interviews. He was merely listening to Stefanie Sun when he felt compelled to paint. It took him days of locking himself in his room and multiple trips to the art store in his paint-stained clothes to finish his painting of a star suspended in a galaxy of purples and blues, bright with flecks of light behind it. He named his piece, “Kepler”, after the song that inspired it. It was now safely displayed in his home in Chonqing.

Xiao Zhan knew the painting this time was going to take much from him. So, he warned all his friends and even his manager that he would not be coming out of his apartment for at least two weeks. He stocked up on food and placed them in areas where he could readily see them so that he didn’t forget to eat. He set all of his materials on the floor, and placed the canvas on his easel. Then, he began to paint.

He lost himself in the motions of painting. He let his emotions control him, a very rare moment that he allowed, and let out all the things he wanted to express on canvas. He let the swirls of reds and blacks speak for the turmoil inside him, and created contrasts using whites. The figure at the center of the painting slowly developed his solidity as Xiao Zhan painted and painted throughout the days. He etched, corrected, removed, and covered just to perfect this piece for his muse. Xiao Zhan painted like he was desperate and out of time. 

Until, finally, the artist finished his last stroke on the canvas.

In front of him, Wei Wuxian’s portrait stared at him with a confident smile on his face. His eyes lit up by the yellows Xiao Zhan added, bright and full of the mirth he was known for. However, his expression was fond and light, like he had never experienced any of the hardships he went through in his life. His portrait was framed by white magnolias that hugged the corners of the canvas. There were even small magnolias embedded to his hair.

Heart heavy with emotions just by looking at the Wei Wuxian he painted, he ripped a piece of paper from one of his notebooks lying around and began to write. He penned down everything he wanted to say about the man in front of him, unconsciously ruining the ink of the words because of his tears. He wrote and wrote for a long time, until he finally wrote the last word of his letter to the man on the canvas.

_Goodbye._

He looked up, and stared at Wei Wuxian. It was like looking at a mirror, but this time, Xiao Zhan knew who was who. He knew he wasn’t Wei Wuxian.

_My story is finished. Face your own story, and finish it._

Xiao Zhan got up from his seat. He made his decision, and he was ready. He opened the curtains. The sunlight outside was blinding, but he found the warmth that it offered comforting. He felt as if he was protected. He didn’t know what, but it was comforting for him.

He was ready to face his feelings for Yibo.

However, before he could even let Yibo know of his feelings, he needed to tell him the truth first. He could pass it off as if he didn’t do it, but Xiao Zhan didn’t want to lie to Yibo. Yibo deserved the truth, and only the truth. He was actually anxious about what happened next after the confession. Would he accept Xiao Zhan? Or, would the hurt from the pretense he kept up during filming be enough to sever their connection? Was there even a chance that Yibo was in love with him, too? A lot of time has passed; is there any way that Xiao Zhan wasn’t too late in pursuing him yet? There were so many things to worry about. But, Xiao Zhan found himself running on the feeling of desperation as he tried to contact Yibo. The words wanted to come out of his mouth, but he needed to face Yibo first. 

He tried to contact Yibo. He texted him constantly on WeChat, and even privately messaged his alter accounts on Weibo. He eased into the topict, making small talk first before actually asking to meet up to talk to him. However, the boy replied sporadically, so they weren’t really able to talk properly. Yibo must be busy filming for another drama. He did send the photos of the Unicorn Gundam Statue and H.L.N.A. Sky Garden, promising to take him there if they ever get to plan a Japan trip for themselves. Yibo’s reply came a day later, commenting about how he really wanted to see Odaiba as well, but he didn’t know if he had time in the near future to go to Japan. That left Xiao Zhan a little disappointed, but it nevertheless got the younger to reply to him a bit longer, so he guessed it was a slight win.

They didn’t have a proper conversation at all. Xiao Zhan was busy filming for some commercial, which meant he couldn’t be as proactive in talking to Yibo as he could. So, when Xiao Zhan’s birthday came, he didn’t expect anything from Yibo. He understood how busy the idol was, so he just settled for enjoying his day. Xuan Lu invited him out to a hotel dinner that day, so that was at least one consolation. He wished he could see Yibo today, though. 

When he entered the hotel, he was immediately escorted to their dining area. It was a lavish place, with a big chandelier at the center and a piano with gold plating at the center. However, he was led further into a private room with a low table. Inside, Xuan Lu and a hooded man sat on the floor. 

“A-Zhan!” Xuan Lu got up and hugged him, which he returned gladly. His eyes wandered to the hooded figure beside Xuan Lu. The person took off their hood, and Xiao Zhan’s eyes widened in shock.

“Yibo.” He whispered.

Yibo flashed him a small smile. “Happy birthday, Zhan ge.”

He found himself grinning from ear to ear. He couldn’t believe Wang Yibo was here, in the flesh, on his birthday.

“I persuaded him to come,” Xuan Lu said, giggling as she saw the grin on Xiao Zhan’s face. “He said he couldn’t miss your birthday for anything in the world.”

“Jiejie!” Yibo blushed. Xiao Zhan found that pink was a good color on him.

“Well, come now, sit down. The food and the cake will be served in a few,” Xuan Lu pushed him gently toward the side of the table opposite her and Yibo’s. 

Xuan Lu was right. Just as he settled himself on his spot, the waiters came in and served their food. They were a variety of dishes from Chonqing, which Xiao Zhan appreciated. He once told Xuan Lu how he missed his mother’s cooking, but he couldn’t come home because of how busy he was. Seeing the familiar dishes made him tear up.

They caught up with each other as they ate. Xiao Zhan discovered Xuan Lu and Yibo were filming for new dramas of their own. It was a rare opportunity for the three of them to have a common break, and it was even during Xiao Zhan’s birthday. He couldn’t help but glance at Yibo while the three of them talked. He really missed seeing Yibo, and with him accepting the feelings he had for Yibo just recently, he didn’t expect his chest to be flooded with a plethora of emotions. It would probably take them a long time to meet up again like this, given that they were both busy. Xiao Zhan would savor what he can from today. Yibo looked well, aside from the fact that he looked like he was not getting enough sleep again. He would tell the boy to take care of himself more later.

They gave Xiao Zhan a cute cake with a big lollipop. It was so cute that he didn’t even want to eat the cake, but they forced him to take a bite since it was his birthday. In gratitude, Xiao Zhan cut pieces for Xuan Lu and Yibo, even jokingly smearing their noses with icing. It turned into a childish fight of who got the most icing damage. They all ate their cakes with faces full of icing and laughter. It gave Xiao Zhan feelings of warmth, one he had missed ever since he isolated himself from other people after Chen Qing Ling. 

Xuan Lu had to go first since her manager was already waiting to send her to her filming site. Yibo needed to go back to his company, but he wasn’t due in until 12am. So, he stayed behind with Xiao Zhan. Talking to Yibo was easy; it was like talking to a soulmate who got him without Xiao Zhan having to explain himself. Of course, there were jokes and jabs just like before, but the feeling of reuniting overwhelmed the atmosphere as they conversed.

He asked Yibo to come to his apartment to get his souvenirs. He wanted to take this opportunity to finally talk to Yibo about his feelings. They were driven by Yibo’s driver. Xiao Zhan felt his hands slowly start to sweat, nervousness slowly creeping at the back of his mind. All the anxious thoughts came back to him, question after question slowly poisoning his mood. But, Yibo was telling him something about filming right now, and he had this smile on his face that Xiao Zhan really loved. He took a deep breath. Everything would be okay. This was for him as much as it was for Yibo.

When they reached his apartment, Xiao Zhan led him inside his room. His place wasn’t overly spacious, but he was still in the process of cleaning up his mess from painting. He didn’t want Yibo to get anything on his clothes, so he told him to go to his room. Once inside, Xiao Zhan searched his cabinets for the things he bought for Yibo in Japan. He pulled out a paper bag, and gave it to the boy. Yibo opened the bag and brought out the jacket first.

“I bought you a shirt from Palace Skateboards,” Xiao Zhan said as he pointed to the jacket. “It looked like it would suit you. It even has a tiger at the back!” He unfolded the jacket and showed Yibo the design at the back. “The staff there said you were a regular customer, but you never really went onsite.”

“I didn’t have time,” Yibo whispered, eyes shining as he ran his hands on the jacket. “This looks good. Thank you, Zhan ge.”

“There’s more, you know. I specifically went to Odaiba to get you these, but I didn’t know which one to buy so I bought both. Hope told me to get these.” He took out the medium-sized boxes from the bag. One of them was the Bandai real grade unicorn gundam model kit, just like the one that he saw in Odaiba, and Bandai high grade UC RX-78-2 gundam model kit. He personally didn’t know what the hype was about the other one, but he figured Yibo would like it.

He looked up to see Yibo not even looking at the boxes, which made him pout. He was staring intensely at Xiao Zhan. “Hope? Who’s Hope?”

“Ah, we bumped into each other in the subway and ended up going to Odaiba together. She knows a lot about gundams because her husband likes them.” He said sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. He felt a little exposed, like he was caught doing something he shouldn’t be doing.

Yibo turned his gaze toward the boxes and cradled them in his arms. “Thank you, Zhan ge. I’ll be sure to build these and send you pictures. I bet I can make these in one night only.”

Xiao Zhan smirked. “Those sets look complicated. Are you sure?”

Yibo clicked his tongue. “Aiyo, Zhan ge, you don’t even believe in me. I’ll text you when I start it so that you can time me.”

“Bring it on,” Xiao Zhan stuck his tongue out at Yibo. “Well, last is this Zorro figure. I know you love Zorro, so I hope I can finally see one of his figures in your room when I come to visit.”

“I don’t think you should visit, Zhan ge.” 

Xiao Zhan paused. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Yibo shrugged, putting down the gundam boxes and grabbing Zorro’s box. Xiao Zhan didn’t give it to him, which made him pout. “Zhan ge, give me the box.”

“No. What was that supposed to mean, Yibo?” He raised the box above his head so that Yibo wouldn’t be able to reach it. The younger did try to reach it, even trying to climb Xiao Zhan’s bed so that he could make up for the deficit in height. However, the boy reached too far, and ended up falling on Xiao Zhan, who was tiptoeing already. They fell into a messy heap on the floor and broke into giggles.

“Aiya, I can’t believe we’re so childish,” Xiao Zhan said as he laughed. He stopped laughing when he heard Yibo’s laugh die down. He felt Yibo’s heated gaze on him. It was so intense that it made Xiao Zhan want to cover his face in shame.

Then, Yibo slowly inched closer. 

Xiao Zhan could feel his heart beating out of his chest.

He knew he had to break the tension in the atmosphere and laugh it all off, but he found himself frozen on the floor. His eyes unconsciously went to Yibo’s lips, which looked so deliciously sinful at the moment.

_What would those plush lips feel like against his?_

They were interrupted by Yibo’s ringtone, filling the air with the generic iPhone melody. There was a moment when there was hurt and disappointment in Yibo’s eyes, but it soon vanished when he stood from his position and answered the call. It turned out to be his manager, who was calling him to make it quick or else they wouldn’t make it to the agency on time. 

“I have to go, Zhan ge,” Yibo muttered under his breath, fixing the items Xiao Zhan took out into the paper bag. “I’ll see you soon.”

Xiao Zhan was still in a daze. He simply nodded and watched as Yibo made his way towards the door and left.

That was when Xiao Zhan remembered he was supposed to talk to Yibo about the truth. He cursed himself mentally. Next time, he would go straight to the point so that he wouldn’t forget. 

_Fuck_ . He was just so distracted by those _lips_. He was sure Yibo had used some chapstick, otherwise it wouldn’t look as plush as that.

No, wait, scratch that. He already saw Yibo’s lips without any product on, and it didn’t change his opinion about those lips. They were still tempting to kiss.

He launched himself onto his bed and groaned into his pillow. It was so difficult to be rational when he was around Yibo! Why was the boy so ridiculously hot and sexy all the time? Didn’t he know some people like Xiao Zhan had a weak heart?

However, he never got the chance to talk properly to Yibo. Both of them were very busy, and even if Xiao Zhan tried to get a hold of Yibo, he would find most of his messages only on read. The last time Yibo did this was when he was particularly busy. They didn’t even see each other until July of the next year, where they had events together. The first time Xiao Zhan saw him for their Happy Camp filming, it almost brought him to tears. He missed Yibo. They were only able to FaceTime a few times last February, but after that, Xiao Zhan only saw Yibo in TV shows or on billboards. It was painful, pining after someone you didn’t have the luxury to see everyday. However, this was their reality in this industry. He was lucky to even receive those rare messages from Yibo sometimes. When Chen QIng Ling ended, Xiao Zhan found himself typing what he wrote on the day he finished his Wei Wuxian painting and posting it on Weibo. He was glad to finally say goodbye to a once familiar friend, Wei Wuxian. 

Even if they spent more time together now due to Chen Qing Ling’s promotional activities, that didn’t mean he had the time to talk to Yibo properly. Mostly, it was just them catching up to each other for five minutes before either he or Yibo was whisked away by their next projects. He didn’t forget to at least give Yibo some snacks and tea to help him sleep even if he was busy. Since he couldn’t go to Yibo’s when his birthday came, he made sure to send him a present through the mail. 

Thailand was another matter. Although there was the rush of the fanmeet preparations, Xiao Zhan found the country’s atmosphere to be relaxing. The only time he could spend with Yibo during the fanmeet was the night before. They spent the night catching up in Yibo’s room, but they couldn’t really shake off the anxious buzz in them. It was their first fanmeet together outside China, so it was bound to be nerve-wracking for them. Instead of resting, they rehearsed their sequences and songs five more times before they decided to retire for the night.

The fanmeet in Thailand left Xiao Zhan feeling awed at how much reach Chen Qing Ling had outside China. He knew Mo Dao Zu Shi had many fans in China, but he didn’t know there was a solid fan base here in Thailand as well. There was also the slight feeling of dread that this Thai fanmeet was the beginning of the end. It was one of the last moments he got to perform with Wang Yibo onstage. Somehow, that thought left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth.

October was especially for both of them. They both had dramas to film, and more commercials coming their way. The sudden popularity that Chen Qing Ling gave them meant getting more opportunities for work. He was filming, going to photoshoots, attending events, and posting PR on his Weibo. There were days that he didn’t even get enough sleep. He wasn’t able to text Yibo as often as he did before, and the younger man didn't reply most of the time these days. He understood very well that they were busy, but it still hurt him that this might be the start of them drifting apart. He hoped it wasn’t.. He prayed to whatever being there was that it wasn’t. Yibo left him a message right at the start of midnight on his birthday, but he wasn’t able to reply quickly because he was just too exhausted.

Then, November came. There were only two more events for Chen Qing Ling left, which were the Nanjing fanmeets. Xiao Zhan was excited by the prospect of getting to see Yibo again after a month of not exactly talking. He came in late for the first fanmeet because filming ran late. He filmed a rain scene before he went to Nanjing, so he knew he was going to feel under the weather soon. He tried not to let it affect his performance during the first fanmeet. Thankfully, Yibo knew that he wasn’t up for any of the games, so he chose Wang Zhuo Cheng instead to play with him. He was proud of himself for making it through the fanmeet without actually collapsing, especially since he was feeling hot by the end. When they got off the stage, Yibo took him to his dressing room, locked it, and sat him down on his couch.

“Yibo, what am I doing—”

“Shh,” Yibo muttered, seemingly looking for something in the bags laid on the floor. He made a satisfied noise when he pulled out a cooling pack. He peeled off the paper behind the pack, and smacked it onto Xiao Zhan’s forehead.

The elder made a noise of protest. “Yibo, I am okay—”

“No. You’re not well enough to be doing a fanmeet, but here you are. Make do with this patch and get some rest.” Yibo fished out his phone from his pocket. “I’ll ask my manager to buy some soup for you. Now, lay down.”

“I said I was fi—”

“Well, you don’t look fine to me!” Yibo’s outburst made Xiao Zhan’s head spin, but he couldn’t fault the younger for bursting. He knew he was being stubborn. “Sorry. Just rest, Zhan ge. Please. You need it.” He made a move towards the door, but Xiao Zhan caught the end of his sleeve. 

“Don’t go, please.” He whispered, but with the silence in the room, he knew the lanky man heard him loud and clear. 

Yibo gently put his hand back to his lap. “Zhan ge, don’t do this with me now. Just rest, please.” Unable to say anything, he let Yibo leave the room. He didn’t know what Yibo meant, but the heaviness on his head made him unable to process what he just said. He closed his eyes, and slept.

Xiao Zhan felt healthier the next day. He wasn’t shivering anymore, and he was thinking clearly this time. He and Yibo went through the motions of rehearsals, taking into consideration their blocking, the ascending stage props, and others. The elder decided that, since this was the last Chen Qing Ling event they were doing, he would confess to Yibo today.

Xiao Zhan couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the emotions that this final fanmeet had elicited from him. So many people in the audience and even some of his co-stars were already crying. He knew he was close to breaking as well, but he had to hold on until the end. They bowed together as they said goodbye to the audience. Yibo patted his back and led him to his dressing room. He could only follow because he still felt himself floating. The reality that this was the end of Chen Qing Ling, that this was the closing of a chapter of his life hit him really hard. Once they were in his dressing room, Xiao Zhan covered his face and silently sobbed. He felt Yibo’s arms around him, so he put his face on the crook of the younger’s neck. He continued to cry silently for the end of a lovely memory.

He lifted his head and looked at Yibo, and found the latter staring back at him. He took in the state of Yibo’s face; it was immaculate, even under the dim lights of the dressing room, but he saw the pain at the corner of his eyes. He didn’t realize he was still crying until Yibo traced the path of his tears on his cheek. The younger looked at him with such fondness that Xiao Zhan found himself giving in.

He pulled Yibo to him and kissed him.

He was right all along; Yibo’s plush lips were soft and all he imagined it to be. He took tentative presses first, shy and asking for permission, until he felt Yibo’s lips open. Slowly, the tension grew and both of them started to grow bolder. They kissed as if they weren’t going to see each other again. Xiao Zhan chased after the younger’s lips like it was his lifeline. Yibo returned each of his kisses with passion.

They slowed down to chaste pecks, until they stopped and let each other go reluctantly. It dawned on Xiao Zhan how he had just kissed the love of his life first, without any explanations. He opened his mouth, only to be interrupted by the other.

“Zhan ge,” Yibo cupped the elder’s face, thumb rubbing the mole below his lip fondly. The dancer looked at his face one last time, and smiled. “Thank you.” 

It left Xiao Zhan feeling confused. What was Yibo thanking him for?

An abrupt knock on his door followed by a deep voice asking Yibo to leave for Changsha snapped them out of the bubble they’ve created. Yibo sighed as he stood up. Xiao Zhan could only watch him turn his back on him. He couldn’t find the voice to ask him to stay, when clearly, his duties were already calling him. But, the elder knew this was his only chance to tell him, so he begged his voice to come out, to claw its way out of this emotion he was feeling— 

“Yibo.”

Yibo stopped and turned back. Xiao Zhan looked at him frantically, panicking because he couldn’t say anything else. Why was he at a loss for words now that he needed to speak?

Yibo sighed. “Goodbye, Zhan ge.” He turned his back once again to the elder and left the room.

_Why did Yibo’s goodbye feel so much more painful than he expected?_

This wasn’t the end of anything, was it? Sure, it was the end of Chen Qing Ling’s promotions, but their relationship did not end here. Xiao Zhan refused to end it here.

But, for now, he could only watch and stare as his beloved bade him goodbye and left him behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed (and stressed out) mapping out Xiao Zhan's Japan trip. Those locations are all real!
> 
> Here is the link for the clothes Xiao Zhan bought in Palace Skateboards: [ Ripped Coach Jacket (Front)](https://modesens.com/us/en/product/palace-ripped-coach-jacket-white-13674083/?refinfo=gSH_ggfPalacmc-ApAcClOuCoJa13674083_), [ Ripped Coach Jacket (Back)](https://tse4.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.9wul2ptbFzKhvBjX5LEA-QAAAA&pid=Api&P=0&w=300&h=300), and [ Persailles Shirt (White one)](https://www.palaceskateboards.com/range/autumn-2019/persailles-shirt/)
> 
> Scream at me in the comments, on [ Twitter ](https://twitter.com/sunstainedsheet) or in [ Curious Cat ](https://curiouscat.qa/sunstainedsheet) !!


	3. here i am; are you still here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xiao Zhan has made his decision. However, is Yibo still waiting?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *breathes*
> 
> It's finally done.
> 
> I've linked them in other chapters before, but this chapter was beta-ed by @fireflavoredwhiskey and @dugyut_. I've learned a lot from them, and I couldn't have finished this fic without them. Always, always so thankful for people who are willing to read through your work and help you improve it. :(
> 
> For the last time, I hope you enjoy this chapter! 💜

_ 11/8/2019  _

_ 16:40 _

Xiao Zhan

[Yibo. Let’s talk about what happened. Call me when you see this.]

_ Seen _

_ 11/9/2019 _

_ 22:51 _

Xiao Zhan

[Yibo? Are you there?]

_ Seen _

_ 11/21/2019 _

_ 23:21 _

Xiao Zhan

[If you don’t want to talk about it, fine. We can pretend it never happened. But, can we hang out soon? Text me when you get this.]

_ Seen _

_ 11/26/2019 _

_ 4:07 _

Xiao Zhan

[You’re probably busy nowadays, that’s why you’re only reading my messages. That’s okay.]

_ Seen _

_ 20:26 _

_ Xiao Zhan _

(Attached Picture)

[Look, Yibo! I went back to our secret spot. The city really looks breathtaking from here. I hope you find healing in this photo, even if you can’t see this tonight!]

_ Seen _

_ 12/1/2019 _

_ 2:56 _

Xiao Zhan

[Yibo, it’s becoming colder these days. Don’t forget to wear a coat and a scarf when you go out! You catch colds easily, so please take care of yourself.]

_ Seen _

_ 12/16/2019 _

_ 21:19 _

Xiao Zhan

(Attached Video)

[How are you? You’re looking paler these days. Please take care of yourself. Here’s a simple recipe for tea that can protect your throat from the cold.]

_ Seen _

_ 12/23/2019 _

_ 14:45 _

Xiao Zhan

(Attached Photo)

[I went home today. Here’s the photo of the painting as promised! I made sure to detail the stars.]

_ Seen _

_ 12/25/2019 _

_ 6:04 _

Xiao Zhan

(Attached Photo)

[Merry Christmas, Yibo! The snow’s piling up too fast.]

_ Seen _

_ 1/1/2020 _

_ 00:00 _

Xiao Zhan

[It’s 2020! I hope it’s better than last year.]

_ Seen _

_ 1/25/2020 _

_ 10:37 _

Xiao Zhan

[Yibo. I miss you. Happy new year.]

_ 1/27/2020 _

_ 1:32 _

Xiao Zhan 

[Talk to me, please. Was it the kiss? We can forget it and return to before. Please just talk to me.]

_ Seen _

_ 1/28/2020 _

_ 5:10 _

Xiao Zhan

[Yibo, did I do something wrong? I know you’re busy, but you’ve never ignored me like this before.]

_ Seen _

_ 23:49 _

Wang Yibo

[Sorry. I’m busy.]

_ 1/29/2020 _

_ 8:20 _

Xiao Zhan

[Oh, um. Okay. Sorry for bothering you.]

_ Seen _

_ 2/4/2020 _

_ 7:03 _

Xiao Zhan

[Hey, I know you’re busy, but let’s hang out tonight? Please. I’ll wait for you here in my apartment. Don’t bring anything, you still have your things here.]

_ Seen _

It has been almost three months since the Nanjing fanmeet happened, since the kiss happened. Xiao Zhan knows he fucked something up when he kissed Yibo on that day. So, he had offered to talk about it. But, Yibo refuses to talk to him. He knows Yibo is busy because he was filming again, but he didn’t know he was going to be this busy. Yibo had only replied to him once in the past three months. What does that say about their relationship? 

Xiao Zhan lets out another tired sigh. It is a rare day-off, and he decides to spend time with the younger man. He knows it’s a stretch to invite Yibo to his apartment tonight, but he trusts that the younger would at least text if he can’t make it. Yibo never stands him up. He really just misses the boy; he misses the way his eyes light up when they play mobile games and he wins, the teasing tone he uses to bully Xiao Zhan, his slow blinking eyes when he’s already sleepy, and, just.. Everything. He misses  _ everything _ about Yibo. 

He decides to prepare everything for their hang out that night. He cleans the entire apartment, goes out to buy groceries and ice cream, cooks fried rice and Cantonese chicken with vegetables, and sets up the living room for gaming. He also brings out Yibo’s pajamas in case he decides to stay over. Then, he waits.

An hour passes. Xiao Zhan raises his legs on the couch, and continues to play a game on his mobile.

Another hour passes. Xiao Zhan thinks Yibo was probably stuck in traffic. It isn’t too late, so he still hopes. 

The third hour passes. The food is cold. He puts them under a large plastic dish cover to preserve them.

The fourth hour turns into the fifth, then into the sixth. Suddenly, it is one in the morning, and Yibo has not arrived yet.

Xiao Zhan closes his eyes and breathes. _ It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay _ , he chants in his head. He ignores the ache in his heart and stands up from the couch, puts the food inside microwavable containers, washes the dishes, fishes out one of the sweaters Yibo left from the closet, brings out the ice cream, and plays “In The Mood for Love” on the television. He doesn’t usually watch films like these, but he thinks the occasion calls for it.

He doesn’t blame Yibo, really. The boy must’ve been busy to even come here. He understands the life of an artist. He knows how difficult schedules can be. Yibo didn’t even confirm if he was going. This doesn’t mean his absence didn’t hurt Xiao Zhan. Is it really so difficult to see each other these days? Is it really that hard to commit time to nurture their friendship or whatever it is they have? Why won’t Yibo talk to him at all?

It’s been three months since he last saw the love of his life. Can you blame him if he feels upset over missing an opportunity to see him?

Xiao Zhan shakes his head. It’s fine. He knows this isn’t the first time this will happen, so he should prepare himself for instances like these. For now, he will comfort himself with ice cream and a sad movie. He puts the small tub of ice cream on his lap, and shoves spoonfuls into his mouth. He will be okay soon. He just needs some time.

But, time had other plans. After a fruitful day at work, he sees Liu Haikuan’s post on Weibo.

  
  
  


Liu Haikuan

2-5 22:45

Last night with @UNIQ- 王一博 ! It’s game night!

(Attached Photo)

  
  


Right there, under his post, was a photo of Liu Haikuan and Yibo posing together in their pajamas.

Xiao Zhan almost throws his phone. Instead, he settles for chuckling to himself bitterly.

There was nothing that could quell the rising bile in his throat. Why was Yibo with Haikuan yesterday? Didn’t he text Yibo yesterday that he was expecting him to come last night? He prepared everything for Yibo, even cooked for him and prepared himself to face him even if the issue of their kiss still lingered in the air. 

He forces himself to breath. He looks outside his car window, and counts the number of people in green. Then, he centers himself. He can’t demand something like this from Yibo. He never replied to Xiao Zhan; who was he to get mad over this? What right did he have? He doesn’t even know where he stands with Yibo. But, he can’t help but think this is all his fault. He shouldn’t have kissed the boy if things were only going to turn out like this. He should’ve kept his feelings inside him. He should’ve been content with what they had together. He shouldn’t have pushed him for more. Yibo must’ve been disgusted with what he did. He didn’t even know if Yibo liked men in the first place.

He thinks his fault goes beyond just kissing Yibo. He shouldn’t have done any of the things his company demanded. He has his studio now, but at what cost? He shouldn’t have toyed with Yibo’s feelings. He shouldn’t have gone and fallen in love with him, after all.

“Manager Zheng, can you book me a room and drop me off at XXXX bar?” Xiao Zhan says as he taps his manager’s shoulder. 

His manager purses his lips worriedly. “What’s wrong?”

He shrugs. “I just want to drink.”

“Are you sure?” He knows his manager is shaking his head internally. He nods anyway, looking nonchalant. Manager Zheng sighs, and throws his bag at him. “Fine. Change into these clothes, and don’t let the paparazzi catch you. Make sure to come to the company building at nine. Do you understand?”

“Yes. Thanks, Manager Zheng.” He rushes to the back part of the van, and changes his clothes. He hears his manager call the bar for a booking in the background as he changes. He sported a black hoodie, black sweatpants, a black cap, and a face mask. He also takes a cotton pad from their make-up artist’s bags, and squeezes a generous amount of make-up remover. He wipes his face to clear his make-up. He finishes just as their van stops at an alleyway.

He makes a salute to his manager as he gets out of the car and into the bar. When he opens the door, he sees a waiter bowing at him and pointing towards the back rooms. He bows back as a sign of respect, and follows after him.

The room his manager booked looks lavish. There is a bed at the center of the room, and a large table by the window. The bathroom has glass walls, which means that anyone showering can be seen from the bed. There is also a bathtub, and two sets of amenities. It is as if this bar was a hotel.

“We’ve been informed that you’ll be ordering an assorted array of cocktails which were listed in the text message, and a bottle of VSOP Remy Martin.” The waiter asks in confirmation.

“Please double my orders,” he says as he smiles. “Thanks.”

“Then, excuse me, sir.” The waiter closes the door gently. Xiao Zhan drops to the bed, all his energy leaving him. The maelstrom of emotions his heart currently houses left him drained and tired. However, at the core of it all, he knows that these emotions stemmed from hurt. It hurt, knowing that Yibo avoided him to this extent. He clearly had time to hang out, but he chose Haikuan instead. Now that they were done with Chen Qing Ling, Yibo has no obligation to keep up this farce. 

He breathes once again. 

Tomorrow, he will work as if nothing had happened. He will continue to pretend everything was alright. But, tonight, he will lose the control he had set in front of the others. Tonight, he will hurt.

The waiter comes back with a trolley filled with his personal favorites. He notes in his mind that he should probably thank his manager for ordering them. When the waiter finishes laying everything down on the table, he bows and exits the room. Xiao Zhan makes sure to lock the door.

He tackles the cocktails first. They were the easiest to finish, since they came in such small amounts. With every memory of Yibo, he downs a glass of whatever it is in front of him. Yibo laughing at his jokes on set? Martini. Yibo greeting him Happy Birthday last year on time? Aviation. Laying his head on the younger’s shoulder whenever he felt tired? Dark and Stormy. 

He continues to drink everything on the table until all that is left is his bottle of VSOP Remy Martin. He disregards the observation that his limbs were moving on their own. He is probably drunk. But, he doesn’t care.

He pours himself a glass of VSOP Remy Martin, and downs everything in one go. It makes him choke, but how could the pain of choking even compare to what he was feeling?

Heh. He sounded so sappy just then. He pours more, and drinks everything. He does this four more times.

Speaking of sappy, why not text the love of his life at this hour? He clearly has a lot of time on his hands if he can hang out with Haikuan and not him. He lets out a bitter chuckle, and brings out his phone. He finds Yibo’s contact, and starts texting him. He discovers he needs two hands to type now.

  
  


_ 2/5/2020 _

_ 23:30 _

Xiao Zhan

[yBo]

[yIBo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111111]

[why don u answer m]

_ 23:31 _

Xiao Zhan

[aH444444444 u cn HAG OIT WITH HA1kuN BUT NOT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE]

[who asmdddddddddd i 2t2tooooo u]

[u kno imgnnnnnnnnnncllllllllll]

Xiao Zhan thinks letters are hard and his fingers are too tired to type. So, he dials Yibo instead. It rings once, twice, thrice, and then Xiao Zhan loses count because he keeps on singing to the ringtone.

The person who is Not Yibo tells him that the receiver cannot be reached. That’s fine. Xiao Zhan will call him again. He dials Yibo’s number once again, and sings to the ringtone.

“Hello?” The low voice on the other sides says. That’s Yibo!

“Hey, Not Yibo, look! It’s Yibo!” Xiao Zhan says as he chuckles. Not Yibo is not on the phone now, so she probably doesn’t know Yibo is on.

He hears a sigh. His breath makes Xiao Zhan all tingly. “Zhan ge. What is this about?”

“Look, you, you, you, you Yibo!” He shouts. “I’m soooooooo mad at you! I waited for you yesterday until the morning! I cooked your favorite fried rice and chicken, and even prepared ice cream! You made me wait for sooooooo long! Then, I find out that you were with Haikuan yesterday?!” 

The other on the line doesn’t speak. Xiao Zhan takes this as a clue to continue. 

“Yibo, who am I to you? How could you dump me for someone else? You didn’t even reply! I’ve been texting you since last November, and I don’t even get a greeting! Is something wrong with me, huh, Yibo? Is something wrong with me? Is something wrong with us?”

Xiao Zhan hears a quiet sob in the room. There’s probably a ghost in the room. He waves to no one in particular, before he continues talking to Yibo. He sounds defeated. “Is this about the kiss? ‘Cause I can forget the kiss! Even if the kiss felt good! Even if the kiss felt right! Even if I loved every single minute of it! I’ll forget everything for you! Just…” He lowers his voice to whispers. “Just come back to me. Yibo, I miss you. I really miss you.”

He wipes the tear that escapes his eye. Stupid tear. Now is not the time to cry. It is time for talking to Yibo. He needs to talk to him now because he doesn’t know when he’ll be able to talk to Yibo again.

What if that time to talk to Yibo never comes again?

Xiao Zhan shakes his head furiously. No, no. He will fix this. He will talk with Yibo now.

He hears an exasperated sigh from the other line. “Zhan ge, please, don’t.” Yibo’s voice cracks. He wants to hug him so badly, so he hugs his arm that carries his phone. “Don’t do this to me anymore.” Yibo stops talking for a while, and the elder hears a  _ beep, beep, beep _ . Xiao Zhan decides that it is time to sleep because the world is dark, so he closes his eyes and sleeps. 

  
  


Let it be known to anyone dear to Xiao Zhan that the man remembers just how much of a wreck he is when he gets drunk. So, when he opens his eyes and feels the hangover squeezing his brain, all his memories of last night came back to him. He abruptly rises from the bed, and tries to find his phone. He sees it lying on the floor, next to a pile of clothes. He looks at himself, and sees that he is not wearing any clothes. He must’ve removed them some time in the night in drunken stupor. But, that was not the important issue now. He unlocks his phone and looks at the messages he sent Yibo. They were all unintelligible, just as he had expected. The texts are proof of his stupidity last night. He remembers what he meant per text, and even remembers his rants to Yibo.

More importantly, he remembers what Yibo had said last night.

_ “Don’t do this to me anymore.” _

What did Xiao Zhan do? He doesn’t remember ever offending Yibo over something he did. They parted amicably last November, except for the fact that he had kissed the boy. Does he mean the kiss? Or, does he mean the implications behind the kiss? Does he think the elder is pushing his feelings onto him? 

Damn. That was probably it.

Xiao Zhan must’ve  _ pushed _ his feelings onto Yibo via the kiss. And, with his words, Yibo doesn’t seem to want any of it.

He felt a sharp pang in his chest. 

His phone rings. He sees a text from his manager, reminding him to be in the office by nine. He looks at the time, and sees that it is only seven. He slaps his face with his hands, and goes into the bathroom. He will think about this later. He needs to escape the blooming hurt of rejection in his heart.

_ It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, you’re going to be fine _ , he repeats in his mind as he tries to fool himself and the world.

  
  


He doesn’t know why he ends up in front of Yibo’s apartment at one in the morning after a particularly gruesome shoot. It was tiring because they’ve had to repeat the scene multiple times. He should be at home right now, but he had taken a taxi to get here. Thank god this apartment complex was filled with celebrities. Security is tight downstairs, therefore no stalker fans will be able to enter the premises. He stands in front of Yibo’s door, his forehead resting on it. Why did he come here? It wasn’t like he could do anything about Yibo despising him.

It still hurts when he thinks about it. He was able to make it look like everything was alright, but he was spending night after night with no sleep because he was overthinking. Until now, even if his physical body is tired, he does not feel drowsiness. He feels empty. It’s been a month, but he still hasn’t moved on. He knows he cannot force himself to move on. But, even early on, he knows he doesn’t know if he can.

Why is he clinging so much to Yibo? There are other people he can fall in love with. He knows there are more beautiful people in the world. However, at the end of the day, he finds himself replaying and preserving every memory he had with Yibo. During the first few weeks of his reality, Xiao Zhan tried to suppress his feelings. He tried to function normally, like how he always would. However, he knew he was eventually slipping. More and more people had asked him if he was alright. Fans were noticing his alarming weight loss. His mother had even asked if he needed them to come over. He swore he was, but he knew he wasn’t. So, he stopped trying. He let himself feel the depth of his emotions. He dove into the sea without a boat to rest on. And, it is here where he stays. 

This is where his emotions led him: to the person who started it all. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to see Yibo. He doesn’t even know if his heart can take seeing him. Nevertheless, he was here, seeking comfort in something that he knows will destroy him like a moth to a flame. He slips down the door, and sits on the floor. He pulls his knees to his chest and stares at the floor. For some reason, he feels somewhat drowsy in this position. Is it the comfort Yibo’s place exudes? Is it because he feels at home here? He finds himself thinking and thinking until his eyes slowly droop, then finally succumbing to the exhaustion Xiao Zhan felt.

  
  


The next visit to Yibo’s apartment is intentional. He does it two weeks later, when he finally finds time to go back. He overhears from the bodyguard that Yibo was one of the celebrities who hasn’t been coming home in the past few weeks. Worried that the idol was overworking himself once again, Xiao Zhan comes with a care package. His paper bag contains milk, a newly bought 350mL thermos, some mixes for instant congee, and lavender spray. He hangs it on his door knob carefully so that none of the contents spill. He lingers for a bit, finding himself unable to leave unless he knows that the package is properly received. He sits down once again against the wall beside Yibo’s door, and waits. He prepares himself for meeting Yibo, just in case. He will play it off like they were still friends, give him the care package, and leave quickly. He’s nervous, of course, but he has to act like he isn’t. It’s okay, he trusts in his skills in acting. He can do this.

Yibo ends up never returning that night. Xiao Zhan falls asleep once again on the floor. He leaves the package with security in the lobby when he wakes up, scared that the package may never even reach Yibo if he leaves it on his door knob.

  
  


Coming to Yibo’s apartment unannounced becomes a habit for Xiao Zhan. He doesn’t know when Yibo will come back, but he comes anyway. So far, Yibo hasn’t made an appearance yet. He wonders if Yibo ever goes home nowadays. Is he eating right? He might be going beyond his limits again. Is someone reminding him to take care of himself? A tired Yibo needs a certain type of observation to be able to notice. If he blinks slowly and stares into the distance, it means he is slowly overheating from exhaustion. Aside from his worry, he discovers that Yibo’s place helps him fall asleep. It’s as if there was a strange lull to this place that makes his insomniac self succumb to slumber. Having been awake for more than twenty four hours now, he feels the tendrils of exhaustion slowly pulling him into sleep. He leans his head on his knees, and sleeps.

  
  
  


His visits to Yibo’s apartment were sporadic at best due to his filming schedule. However, whenever he has the time, he always goes here. Tonight, aside from wanting to fall asleep, he comes to the younger’s door because he misses him. It has been six months since they last saw each other. He knows that the ads he sees with Yibo in them were artificial at best, and did not provide any kind of indication of how the idol was really doing. He wishes to see him even once. He doesn’t even have to speak to Yibo at all, if the younger refuses to. Just a glimpse is all it would take. Then, maybe, Xiao Zhan can finally start letting him go.

He waits with his knees tucked under his chin once again, rubbing his fingers and palms against each other just to shake off his jitters. He has a hunch that Yibo will come back to his apartment today. He tries to think of other scenarios that can likely happen when he sees Yibo. What if the younger allows him to explain himself? What will he say? Is he ready to explain all the betrayals he has committed against the dancer? Honestly, he doesn’t know if he could. He knows he’ll lose Yibo once he starts speaking. However, he also knows that the truth is what he deserves, in the end. Nevermind his feelings, he just needs to let Yibo know what he needs to know.

Whilst dwelling in his thoughts, he doesn’t notice the approaching figure. He merely entertains the feeling that someone had been staring at him when his eyes come into contact with loose cargo pants and those peaceminusone shoes. He lets his gaze travel upward. He flinches when he sees the glare of the person he wanted to see the most.

“Yibo,” he whispers, the name coming out of his lips almost like a prayer.

“Zhan ge,” Yibo says, tone cold and hard. Xiao Zhan gulps. He stands up and dusts his pants in an attempt to avoid the intense stare the younger is giving him. Yibo slightly shoves him to the side, and puts the key in to open the door. Once the door is open, the idol turns to him and stares. The elder hates how the younger’s stare scrutinizes him, but he gets inside the apartment anyway.

Yibo puts the keys on top of his counter, and crosses his arms. “What are you here for?”

He hates it. He hates how Yibo sounded like right now. He hates the way he looks at him, like he was something vile and wicked. His heart cowers, but he knows this is the last opportunity for him to let Yibo know the truth. He opens his mouth, but no words come out of them. The taller is confused; he knows he should be explaining to the dancer now, but he finds himself overwhelmed with so many emotions. He’s happy he finally got to see his beloved after months of not seeing him and getting only one message from him, but he feels stupid for coming back to this place again and again like a pest that cannot be killed. Why is he bothering Yibo when he made it clear that he doesn’t want Xiao Zhan? 

What comes out of his mouth is something entirely different, a sentiment he has been keeping for months now. “Yibo, did I do something wrong? Was it the kiss? I-If you hated it, then we can always pretend it never happened. We can go back to the way we were before. Why did you cut me off? Was it.. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? You’re always so forthcoming about what you like and don’t like, so I don’t understand why you won’t tell me anything. Please tell me what’s wrong because I don’t know what suddenly happened after Nanjing. What happened to us, Yibo?”

Yibo slaps the counter with his hand forcefully. “That’s exactly the problem, Zhan ge! What are you asking about?! Who is this ‘us’ that you’re referring to?! Because, as far as I know, there is no  _ us _ .”

Xiao Zhan stares at Yibo with wide eyes, stunned at what he just said.  _ What? _

The idol rubs his hand on his face in distress. “It’s all a joke, isn’t it? A big fake scandal to boost the ratings of Chen Qing Ling. Whatever we had then was a big  _ ruse _ .”

The taller freezes.  _ How the fuck does Yibo know about the deal? _

Seeing the expression on his face, Yibo chuckles with no humor. “I heard you. You were talking to your manager in your dressing room. You left your door slightly open.” He walks towards Xiao Zhan. “I heard it all.” He clenches his fist. He trains his eye on the taller man in front of him. “Well, you got what you want. Chen Qing Ling’s ratings skyrocketed, both here in China and around the world. Since everything is over, you might as well toss me aside, Zhan ge. You don’t have any need for me.”

“Zhan ge, do you know how it feels to know that the person you love was just using you? Do you know how it feels like to be played around with, only to be left behind?” Yibo turns his gaze downward. “I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, Zhan ge. You were supposed to be only a co-star. But, you showed me so many sides of you that you’ve never shown before, and…” _ I remember everything, like how you smile beautifully to those who matter, how you work hard in your lines even if you complain a lot, how you listen and pay attention to me, who was used to getting by on my own, how you stay strong even if the industry isn’t so kind, how you let down your guard when you’re around me, how you understand me and go along with my jokes, and how you treat me as your equal There is so much more than that, but underneath it all, there is only one thing that is clear. _ “How was I not supposed to fall in love with that?” 

“I was ready to tell you, Zhan ge. I thought about everything. I was ready to make it work with you. I was ready to love you fully, if you’d have me.” Yibo lifts his face and looks at Xiao Zhan with despair. “I thought there really was something going on between us. Then, I finally learn the truth.” The elder wanted to wipe the tears that threatened to fall down from his eyes, but he knows he is no longer welcome to do so. “At first, I was angry at you. You used me and my feelings. But, in the end, I couldn’t stay mad at you.” Xiao Zhan cannot look Yibo in the eye. “I knew they were holding something from you. This is just how the industry works. They blackmail you until they get what they want. I know that, Zhan ge, I know that. That’s why I went along with it until the Nanjing fanmeet.”

“It was the last of Chen Qing Ling’s promotions, so I figured it was also the last time we would pretend with each other. I was ready to let you go, Zhan ge. I was prepared. I was going to rush out of the fanmeet and out of your life once we stepped on the stage. But, you kissed me and I became a mess.” Yibo’s eyes momentarily look at his lips. It makes him remember the feeling of the dancer’s lips on his. “I was supposed to cut you out entirely, change my number, my address, and everything you know about me. But, after you kissed me, I just couldn’t. I loved you.” The idol cups Xiao Zhan’s cheek. “I still do. I couldn’t just let you go. So, I still replied, even if it was only one time. I still answered your call.”

“Zhan ge, do you understand what I’m trying to say?” He brings his hands down and looks away. “You’re done using me. There’s no point in keeping contact. Just leave me alone to let you go in peace. Get out of my apartment, and never come back to me again.”

Xiao Zhan holds Yibo’s hand firmly, and doesn’t let it go. The younger attempts to shake it off a few times, but he keeps his hold on it.

“Zhan ge, let me go.”

“No, listen,” he looks at Yibo with the most tender eyes he could muster. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for using you. I don’t think a simple ‘sorry’ can just magically make everything disappear, but please, listen to me first before you decide to let me go.”

“I admit, they asked me to pretend with you. They told me to make it look like there was not only a relationship between our characters, but also between us. They were holding my studio above my head. My studio was going to be my only saving grace in a such a suffocating company. I wanted it more than ever.. But, Yibo,” he gives him a small smile. “I fell in love with you.”

Yibo’s eyes widen in surprise. 

Xiao Zhan laughs shortly, a little out of breath. _ Yes. You say that people fall in love with me easily, but have you taken a look at yourself? How could I not fall in love with you?  _ “I did, I did. I realized it when you teased me that I loved you. But, I didn’t know what to do. I had to pretend with you. I was also losing more and more of myself in Wei Wuxian. So, I wasn’t sure if I was really in love with you or Lan Wangji. It’s a fucked up scenario, I know, but everything had already happened and I didn’t know how to fix this mess. I went to Japan to get away and think.” He focuses on Yibo, making sure the other realizes how genuine his next words are. “I was able to let go of Wei Wuxian. I knew that it was you who I was really in love with. But first, I needed to tell you the truth. When I came back, I tried my best to talk to you. We were always busy, even until the Nanjing fanmeet. I kissed you then because you looked really beautiful.”

“I’m sorry, Yibo, I’m really sorry. I betrayed you, I did it intentionally. But, I’m willing to do anything it takes just for you to come back to me.” He falls to his knees, holds Yibo’s hand tenderly, and lifts it to his lips, and kisses his fingers one by one fervently. “Please give me another chance, Yibo. Please.”

He peers into Yibo’s face, which has frozen ever since he said his confession. He is nervous because, even with the truth laid out at his feet, Yibo can always refuse him. And, Xiao Zhan knows that was when he should give up. He will accept his decision, but he knows it will take him a long time to move on. He has never felt anything like this before, and he doesn’t think anything could top the emotions he had for Yibo. 

Yibo watches him with pain in his eyes. He knows he’s making him make a difficult decision, but he will fight for them if the younger gives him a chance. “Zhan ge, I don’t think I can forgive you that easily. You used me.”

“I know. I never expected you to forgive me that easily,” Xiao Zhan looks up, eyes bright with unshed tears. “Just please give me another chance to be by your side.”  _ Please. I want to make you feel how loved you are, and that you are worth more than a tool for me. _ “You are Wang Yibo, the man I love, the person I want to stay with until he tells me to stop. My final decision is you.”

“I don’t know when I can trust you again.”

“I will wait for you. I’ll work hard to regain your trust everyday.”

“What if I can’t give you back my trust?”

“Tell me, and I will let you go. I love you, but I want you to be happy. And, if you think I don’t make you happy, who am I to stop you from leaving?” It hurts to think about it, but if Yibo told him to go, he would go. He loves him enough to set him free for his happiness.

The idol doesn’t know there are tears falling down his face. “Zhan ge,” he whispers, voice cracking. Xiao Zhan sees how fragile Yibo is, and he hopes he doesn’t break him. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I love you,” Xiao Zhan chants as he lightly pecks Yibo’s hand. “Please give me another chance.”

Yibo falls to his knees as well, and pulls the elder into his arms. “Okay,” he nearly whimpers into Xiao Zhan’s ears. He lets go of the tears he had been holding back, and crushes himself onto the younger’s chest. 

“Thank you, Yibo,” he says, voice muffled because of Yibo’s shirt. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Yibo returns, tightening his hold on Xiao Zhan. “But, I’m sorry I can’t trust you that soon.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. I’ll earn your trust back. I love you, Yibo.”

The two of them clutch each other like their lives depended on each other. They prepare to go to bed, reluctantly letting go for a moment to wash and dress up. However, when they return to bed, they melt and intertwine together. They spend the night talking about everything they missed with each other’s lives, and promises they will now get to keep. They close their eyes to the fact that, in the morning, they had each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> END.
> 
> That's a wrap!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has supported this fic until the end! Like I said in the first part of this fic, it is a labor of love. It has slowly become my therapy fic where I could productively place my feelings. To those who keep on commenting, I really appreciate your words because they motivate me a lot.
> 
> Scream at me in the comments, on [ Twitter ](https://twitter.com/sunstainedsheet) or in [ Curious Cat ](https://curiouscat.qa/sunstainedsheet) !!


End file.
